A Christmas to Remember

Well, this has certainly been a Christmas to remember. We have all been sick for weeks. We didn't get to go see lights or visit with friends or family. We have spent the last few weeks with vomiting, diarrhea and traveling with Emily to and from the doctor. She has been extremely ill. She has lost a lot of weight and is just now eating, We even got to go to the doctor on Christmas Eve for an impromptu chest xray to rule out pneumonia. What fun! We missed the annual Christmas eve dinner at C's uncles house. C's Dad got sick the day before and we have yet to see them. Emily can't take getting sick again. We normally have Christmas breakfast at my house with his parents. Not this year. Just me, Em and C. Em was in no mood. So, we haven't seen any of our family. I thank you K for being my shoulder to cry on during this crazy time. So this Christmas was not what I planned or intended but I am thankful for having my husband and daughter by my side. I am praying for Em and C's dad to continue getting better. Thanks to all of you who called about Em!

Am I Crazy?

So C has been on 1st shift for months now and Em has a well established pattern at bedtime. C's job is very eradic latley and so now he is back on 2nd shift. This is the first week in months I have been at home alone with Em at night. That well established bedtime routine, needless to say, does not involve me. Tonight she screamed for her Daddy till I thought I couldn't take it any more. Charlie Brown came to the rescue and that quieted her for a while. I have to work in the morning and she can seem to sense that as well. That means I won't be able to go to sleep until C gets home at 11. I am thankful he even has a job but the flip flopping of shifts is affecting Em. She misses her Daddy at night. I am woman enough to admit that she prefers having him around most of the time. It's a little girl thing I suppose.
So, to my question. If I struggle on a daily basis and most of the time the 3 yr old wins, am I crazy to even be thinking of having another baby? Am I a bad mother because I need a day to myself? I would love to get my hair cut. That would be lovely. C and I haven't been on a date in a year. Yep, that's right, a year. We talked about that last night. We need some alone time. Unfortunately, that isn't gonna happen. My mom used to watch Em a lot. Now she doesn't see her at all. His mom watches her but for brief periods and usually so I can work extra to make a little extra money. I have a friend who has left her 3 month old overnight already for a shopping trip. Em is 3 yrs old and we have never left her overnight. She has her mom's OCD, so I think it will probably be a while. Oh well, maybe I will get some sleep tonight. Em goes to daycare tomorrow so maybe she can interact with some kids for a change.

My husband

I talk a lot about my daughter, as most moms do. I also talk very little of my husband, which most moms do. Tonight I will talk about C. So, here goes.

For those of you that have met him you know he is a man of few words, so when he talks it matters. I have been having a lot of problems with my back lately. He has been worried about me and catering to my every need. He has been doing the laundry, the dishes and anything else that comes up. This isn't out of his norm. He isn't one of those guys that sits around and expects me to do all the work. I feel lately that I am slacking in many ways. I have been worried about not being able to work, his job, and various other things lately. When I get worried I tend to snap and unfortunately, its usually at him. I feel awful about this. I could not ask for a better husband. He is an absolutely wonderful father. Em adores him. There is a sparkle in his eye when they are rolling around on the floor playing. This is what life is about. When he gets home tonight I will tell him what he means to me and how I have been a tool lately. He also never buys himself anything. As I sit here typing on my laptop he bought me I am reminded of that. I got him an XBOX 360 for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face. The only thing the boy asked for was some socks and gel inserts for his shoes. I think he deserves it.

As a side note I had my "procedure" today to get checked out to see why we can't get pregnant again. Everything looked okay. I am optimistic and hopeful yet content now with the wonderful family I have.

Family and Friends

I have been busy lately but in a good way. Thanksgiving was a quiet, peaceful, calm, thankful day. I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner since C and I have been married. It is usually a mixture of his family and mine. This year it was only his family which was a little sad for me, but nice nonetheless. My brother and his entire family, including the 1 year old, were sick with a stomach bug and couldn't come. My sister did stop by during the day, but was with her husbands' family. The situation with my mother is complicated, to say the least, so she was not there. C's parents, two uncles and cousin were there. They would all have been at home alone, so we told them to come on over. I cooked the majority of the meal ahead of time so Thanksgiving day was actually quite relaxing. I am thankful for my family. C and Em are my world. They mean so much to me. I feel I fall short of showing them. C's family has become my family. I know some of you have heard my rants about my in-laws and living so close to them, but there are moments like now that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can see how a relationship between an adult child and mother can be, since I can't experience that first hand.

Friday night my friend, her husband and two little girls came down. We fixed a steak dinner and hung out. This is only the second time the husbands have been around each other. They are a lot alike and it was great just hanging out. Her 7 yr old is amazing and Em adores her. Em is having some real issues with sharing, but I suppose this is to be expected at her age. It was so nice to have people at my house. I don't get a lot of guests in the middle of nowhere.

The Baby Blues

So, I am late. Like 5 days late. I am not late, normally. For the past 6 months 28 days like clockwork. So, I am smiling inside. Not on the outside. I have jinxed myself in the past by taking a pregnancy test before,too early. So I patiently waited. Today I thought, I will take it. Yeah, well negative. Another month, another month of not being able to share in the bliss that is pregnancy.
So I am sitting there feeling down and I turn to facebook. Who knew that GOD is down with the facebook thing. From one comment on my status I received several encouraging emails from other people who have been through what I am going through. They lifted my spirits and reminded me that this is GOD's plan. He is in action always. I thank you to those friends. Your words and prayers are invaluable. I will continue to pray for another baby and see what GOD has in store.

Oh Christmas Tree

Since Em is almost 3 I thought this Christmas my dream would finally come true. I have always had this vision of the perfect tree trimmimg. It involves lots of ornaments, hot chocolate and happy Christmas music. We had all but the hot chocolate. Till now C had resisted the music but he actually liked it. ( I think) So we trimmed the tree and Em only broke a few ornaments, but they were probably made in China, so I can't blame her. I thought that I was putting up the tree too early but other people I know already have a tree up. The holidays come earlier every year. This year I am trying to focus more on the real reason that we celebrate Christmas. I am thankful for my family and my friends and for being able to have dinner with my brother and sister yesterday.

My Church

It is funny how GOD works in different ways. I am follower of Christ but often struggle with how to share my faith. I told C tonight that we don’t talk enough about our faith or GOD. We also haven’t been able to go to church since I started working only on the weekend. I do not believe that you have to go to church to have a relationship with GOD or to share your faith. I would like to find a church to share my life and faith with other followers who could help me find my way down this path.

Back to my job. I needed to start working more because of C’s job. They haven’t been doing the greatest. The weekend only thing would work because you work less and get paid more. You are part time but get full time pay. A win-win. (All except the working every weekend thing) When I interviewed there weren’t any positions open. I was just going to interviewed in case something came open. Well the job came open the day I interviewed and she called the next week to offer me the job. That same week C’s job cut him back to 4 days a week. GOD at work.

So as I write tonight I think back on another weekend where I sat at the bedside of a dying patient and hugged a daughter who is about to loose her father. For the past few weeks it seems this has become the norm. I find myself crying every weekend with a family member. I started asking myself why I kept going back if I knew this was going to happen. This is GODS plan. I am touched by the strength and faith of the patients and families. They are making me want to be a better person and a better servant. This is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. For now this is my church.

Friday

Today C had surgery to remove a "growth" on his eye. He was his not his usual silent self. He was joking with the doctor the entire time. It was very different to see that side of him. I think it comes out when he gets nervous.

We got E her "pop and spray" things she was wanting sooo badly. These are otherwise know as "Pixos." I know that now because of my friend J. Well they are not the awesome wonder they appear on TV. As most things these days it started out E and I doing it. By the end I was making some weird looking dog out of tiny balls. $14.99 down the drain. This is why there should be no television in out house.

I have learned that you cannot change people and you cannot please everyone, so it is with great diligence I will try to remember both of these as I deal with my myriad of family and friends.
It is off for 2 days of work I go so I will rest.

Jill This Blogs For You

As I set here listening to my almost 3 year old beckon her dad on the monitor I feel compelled to break the monitor. Not in anger or frustration, but that is the only way my husband would be able to not use it. I never would have thought I would be trying to convince him to stop using the monitor. When the child is completely aware of it and talks louder so it will pick her voice up it has to go. She is 3. What is the cut-off age? Is she gonna be the first 15 yr old with a baby monitor in her room? She is so playing her daddy. The monitor has to go. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

A perfect day

Well Halloween has always been a favorite of mine, but there was something different about this one. Today was a beautiful day full of life, laughter and love. I started off the day by taking a drive with just me and Coleman. We had been trying to find a man who makes tiny replicas of tobacco barns. His dad grew up on a tobacco farm and he had always wanted one of these little miniature barns. Well last night I was searching the web and found an article about the man. I called him this morning and he only lived about 30 mins from us. So we drove up to the lake and bought his dad one for Christmas. Things like this make me very happy. It was a beautiful drive and I had great conversation with C, which is something we haven't had a lot of time for lately. When we get home I received a gift I had ordered for his mother in the mail. A vera bradley bag regularly $90 and I paid $30. Again very excited. Then we went to a lovely Halloween party at my friend J's house. She is awesome, the party was awesome, trick or treating was awesome. Today was a wonderful day and I am blessed beyond belief . I am thankful for my wondeful family and friends.

A Bad Weekend

Well, another day passed and I found myself at the bedside of another dying person. A person who touched my life in many ways and who I would like think that I had touched. It is hard to be a nurse and see people pass away all around you and come back the next day and do it all over again. When they are older it doesn't seem to bother me as much. I guess I feel that they have lived their lives. When they are so young it is hard for me to grasp. His little girl was 9, only 3 years younger than me when my dad passed. I looked at her eyes and saw me. A scared little girl not sure what the future held or what had just happened. One minute we are here and the next we are gone. Life is short and should be spent cherishing every moment. I suppose that is easier said than done. C is a believer, but has never been saved. I don't know how I would deal with the thought of not being able to see him again. I try not to push him, but we are not promised tomorrow. Do I get too attached to people? Should I not become so involved? Does that make it easier to bear or is that denying who I am? I had lunch with my mother today. Do I let go of my anger about that situation and just let it be? Oh well too many rambling thoughts for today, but at least they're out of my head for now.

I am sad

I didn't grow up knowing what I was going to be when I grew up. It wasn't until later in life that I was led down the path of being a nurse. We all have reasons for choosing certain paths, but somehow I think GOD chose this path for me. Tonight I was not a nurse. I was a daughter, a friend, and a very sad person. I have not touched the hand of a person who has died since my father passed when I was 12. Tonight I held tightly to a woman that, although I didn't know for very long touched me. Her cold hand in mine I was no longer a nurse but feeling what her daughter felt as she stood there and looked at her mother who not hours ago was playing with her grand baby. GOD put us in each others paths so we might touch each other. May we not go blindly about our lives, our work. Stop to think of the lives of those around us and how we can make them better, brighter, if even for a little while. As I go to sleep tonight I am sad and thankful at the same time. I will be praying for my other buddy. They don't tell you this part in nursing school.

THe failing economy blah blah blah

I am quite frankly tired of hearing everyone around me talk about the state of the economy and who is to blame. People say it is Bush, the Republican, the Democrats, the walstreet tycoons, but yet no one seems to see the obvious. We are responsible. We, the greedy people of the United States. TLC and HGTC are to blame. Everything has consequences. The 30 some things or our country are to blame. We have grown accustomed to absurd things. We expect things that are frivolous and unnecessary. How many of us have been watching one of those stupid home makeover shows and heard someone respond to a brand new kitchen by saying “We would totally have to redo everything. We need granite and stainless appliances.” Um, no. You don’t need those things. Do they add genuine value to your life. Do they make your kids look back and say “Gee my childhood was awesome. I has granite countertops.“ I think not. Why does everyone expect to dry huge SUV’s but seem surprised when they amass a huge sum on credit card because they can’t afford the gas? Why do families of 4 think they need 3400 sq. feet? Why do mothers have children but think it is someone else’s responsibility to raise them? We as a nation have shown that material things and status are what is important. It is more important to sign our 3 year olds up for all these cute programs so we look involved than spend some quality time with them. I don’t mean to rant and I am not in any way blameless. I have done my part to contribute to this period of disarray, but I do know what is important to me. It is not granite counter tops, Vera Bradley bags, zip codes where you lives, designer clothes, fancy play groups, immaculate houses, or self absorbed people. The things that are important to me are my freedom, my family, my friends, GOD, being kind to others, and living in a country where I am able to say all of this.

My little girl is not so little

Well E is not so little anymore. I guess this just didn't happen over night. We went to the ZOO the other week and she rode the Merry-Go-Round. I thought she was going to freak out so I started her out slow on the giraffe that didn't do up and down. It wasn't long before she was ready for the spinning nest. Then she was on to the elephant that went up and down. She was such a big girl. She walked a lot of the way. So we went to the fair and she spotted the Merry-Go Round. Of course she wanted to ride that. This one was, however, not quite as nice. She rode this. Then she spotted the train. I asked if I could ride with her, but the attendant informed me I was to big. Well, she rode all by herself. It was the cutest thing.
As E was taking her bath tonight she says “Momma, I need to shave my back.” I looked down at the dark brown fuzz on her back and laughed. Before you know it she’ll be shaving her legs. She had pictures at her daycare today. What? Is she old enough for that? She is emerging into an opinionated spirited little lady. She says last night “I’m a good dancer mom. Want to see my spinning kick?” Where did that come from? She makes me laugh, smile and want to pull my hair out on a regular basis. She is the most rewarding part of my life. I treasure every moment. I only hope that God will see fit to give her a brother or sister to share life with.

The Ups and Downs of Motherhood

Well I have never been accused of having an abundance of patience but lately the supply has been even more depleted. E will be 3 in a few months but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to reason with a teenager.My husband says it's like watching me talk to myself. We are a lot alike. We both have some anal, gotta have things just so traits. I have come to the conclusion that those moms that pretend that their children are angels all the time and life is always blissful are the ones who aren't really raising their children. Parenting is hard work. It's not something you can just do from 6pm til 8pm at night. I think that E gets tired of being around me sometimes. We have been paying for daycare for a few months to take her 1 day a week. I was convinced she needed some interaction with other kids since we live in the middle of nowhere and kids are few and far between in these parts. I end up keeping her home with me because I just want to spend the time with her. I think it might be better for the both of us if she did go one day a week. Moms do need mommy time. There is nothing wrong with that. I do think there is something wrong with not working and putting your child in daycare 5 days a week. So I work only on the weekend and E stays at home with Daddy. It seems when she has a little break from me she enjoys the time we spend together more. Monday we had a great day. While she was on the potty she looks up at me and says "Mom you are my best friend." That makes it all worth while

Autumn

I love Autumn. There is something about the cool crispness in the air that invigorates me. I love the decorating, the festivals, and wearing socks. There is nothing like a nice warm bath and a pair of comfy socks. My house is already covered in scarecrows and pumpkins. We are already planning a Halloween party. We were planning a hay ride, but I didn't realize there were safety and insurance issues with carting a bunch of kids around on the back of a tractor. Go figure. I guess it's the times we are living in. I am going to try and refrain from wearing any shirts and or sweaters with leaves, pumpkins, ghosts, witches, etc. My husband scolded me last Christmas for looking like a Grandma with a snowman sweater on so I will try and refrain. The festive socks aren't going anywhere. They are here to stay.

Moments

This past week has been full of moments. We took out little girl who is almost three to see her 1 st movie. We went to see Kung Fu Panda. She made it thru a full hr of the movie. I think that was awesome. She only went to potty 6 times. She loved the pink glow of the lights in the bathroom. She had some Reeses Pieces. As we were sitting there I couldn't help but think of my friend J. She recently lost her husband and took her two little boys to see the same movie. She talked about how she used to hold hands with her husband during movies but now wouldn't have that chance. I reached over and held C's hand a little tighter. I am trying to think about what I have and treasure each moment. we get lost in ourselves, in life, in the mundane. I try not to forget that I am blessed beyond belief.

Another moment. My best friend M was pregnant with her first child. I got the call that she was in labor early Friday morning. So after a long day of laboring I went to see her. She was 9 cm and heavily under the effects of an epidural and sleep deprivation. She was asleep most of the time I was there. I was looking at the contraction monitor and saw that there was just one continuous contraction. I told her to get the nurse to check her. when the nurse came in she was laying on her side. After checking her the nurse said, "We need to get her on her back." When we rolled her to her back on pulled her legs up there was the head. After a couple more pushes I could see even more. Then the evil doctor kicked me out saying only two people could stay. What a beautiful thing. A little later I got to see a beautiful baby boy. 9 lbs 12 ounces 23 inches long. The same weight as E.


To quote the lovely movie Kung Fu Panda and the wise Oogway "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." Enjoy life for today.

babies babies and more babies

Well, everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Yet, I am not. I am not going to sit here and think why can't I get pregnant when people who really don't want the children they have are popping them out like pez dispensers, but that's how I feel right now. I know that things happen in their own time, not on my anal day planner agenda, but the whole process is getting a little tedious. I am blessed with a beautiful, amazing little girl. I am happy and grateful for that. I would just like to know what to do. Should we just stop trying? Then we'll be 40 and having a baby. That happens a lot. Almost 2 years of temperature monitoring, fertility testing, pillow propping, and countless pointless pregnancy tests are becoming annoying.

Free Children?

On labor day my husband, my daughter and I went to the local park to play and wade in the river. There were various gatherings there. As we approached the swings a little boy no more than 2 1/2 came up to my little girl with a stick holding as to mimic a gun and started saying" bang bang." After my husband politely steered him away from this behavior he commenced to throw sand in our eyes. All the while a group of people, amongst which I suppose was a parent of sorts blindly went about their festivities. We stopped this behavior and along came his sister who she informs us is 5. Mu husband and daughter and made a fast exit and were headed downstream. The little girl asked me to push her on the swings. I called out to the group asking if it was OK if picked the girl up and put her on the swings. I heard someone yell "yeah." Well then the former pistol packing fella wanted a turn. Before you knew it I was pushing both of the kids on the swings and my family was somewhere else playing. After a few minutes passed I informed the kids I had to leave to go get my little girl. They started to whine and were almost in full blown tears when I left. Anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? Can someone please tell me why we have to pay in upwards of $20,000 to adopt children when there are some many that parents would give away for free? This absolutely infuriates me. I want more children and have been trying for 1 1/2 years to have another. I cannot afford the costly measures to have one naturally and adoption is even more expensive. Is this fair?

A mothers love?

7/30/08
It is true that we cannot choose our parents. We did not ask to be brought forth into circumstances that are to put it mildly less than desirable. Call it fate, a divine power, whatever you wish but some power beyond our control saw fit to present us with these particular obstacles. We are however not without choice. To quote someone close to me “she is all that she is because of her mother, I am who I am in spite of my mother.” Parents can affect us so profoundly yet have no impact at all. I struggle daily with anger, resentment, confusion, sadness and loss. Longing for a childhood that never was and a now that could be, but will never live up to any semblance of acceptable. Do I expect too much of people? That a mother should nurture and protect her child? That a caress from your mother feel comforting and not awkward and contrite? How much do you hold on to that role of daughter? Do you let the people that are supposed to be your family suck the very air from you or give yourself to those who love and appreciate you for the person you are? I miss my mother. Where did she go? Lost in a world that never really existed. A brother lost to drugs. His soul is gone. A mere shell of what could have been, failed by a mother that fails him still, hiding behind a cloak of love. To my brother David I applaud you. Nothing forced or rehearsed. I love you for you.