my mind is full of thoughts

This and That

2011-08-31T21:25:00.002-04:00

I have had a generally bad week. What I thought would be a lovely few days off has turned into days feeled with worry. I have spent way too much time and energy on way too many stupid things. I am trying to be a calmer person and focus on the positive, but many things and people are making that very difficult. Yes, I overreact to things. I am overly sensitive, but when other people are confirming what I am thinking I feel a little less crazy.
In the midst of this craziness cool breezes are coming. With those breezes, maybe I can breath a breathe of fresh air. Perhaps some changes can take place in me and around me that can bring on a new meaning to fall this year. Some changes we want, others we didn't ask for, but all are an opportunity for somthing.

Priceless or stupid?

2011-08-22T21:16:00.003-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows of my love for Fall and Halloween. My house will be all aglow in pumpkins and orange lights soon. It excites me to think of it. I always have a big party for the kiddos. I have been resisting the urge to decorate already. My friend has convinced me to wait til at least Sept. first. I even have a black Halloween tree and have amassed quite a collection of ornaments.

Well, my husband knows of my love and indulges me a bit. He says nothing when he pulls out all the totes for my decorating as some would do for Christmas. I also decorate a lot for Christmas. I have always loved those old ceramic Christmas trees with the little bulbs you stick in them. They are handmade and hard to come by. One Christmas Coleman's parents gave me one and it made me cry. I had been looking for one for years. Yesterday I spotted a Halloween one on an auction It took my breath. The detailing was impeccable and could be used for fall and Halloween. The bid started out at $25 and was quickly rising. Last night my husband says put this amount in. I cannot type it or speak it. He said if you win it for that I will help you get it. Help me get it. Does that give you an idea of the kinda dough we are talking. I put the bid in and then wanted to throw up. Coleman assured me that I would be outbid in the last few minutes. Fast forward to tonight. I was outbid and I thought that punk(the other person bidding). I will bid one more time. Never say one more time. not for bidding, not for gambling, nothing. So, I won and will soon be the proud owner of the prettiest fall/ Halloween tree I have ever seen and I am going to throw up. So should you happen yo my house this season, LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH. It will be in the glass case for display purposes only.

Can you share too much?

2011-08-21T22:30:00.002-04:00

I talk a lot. I prefer to talk to people. Not a computer, not facebook, not voicemail, not texting. I like to hear a voice and emotion. Shocking as this sounds, I even like to see people when I talk to them, I mean like look at them and engage. I have begun blogging because I have come to the conclusion that most people don't want to hear what I say, save a few. I have a neighbor that listens and I mean really listens like she cares. We share and I hope I listen to her. Sometimes she just shows up at my house and I at hers. I love it. I have another childhood friend that I share everything with. I feel I may bother her too much with all of my crap. My brother and sister-in law get random calls for advise and nonsensical panic stricken calls all too often. They never make me feel bad, but I do. See I don't have a mother to call and get advise and say it will all be okay or I am proud of you. I know I am wrapped up in myself and maybe I should focus more on other people and it will be less of a problem. So, I am going to stop talking so much, stop sharing because really how does my daily happenings affect anyone. I am having a crappy moment and haven't slept since Friday night so maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

KIngergarten and Quiet time with Pitbull

2011-08-18T23:06:00.002-04:00

Well, today my little girl got on the bus at 7:15 hand in hand with her best buddy Jazmin. She awoke at 6:00 am and her usual procrastination was replaced with excitement and anticipation. She was dressed and ready by 6:02. She ate 3 pancakes. Told me they were the best pancakes ever. She gave me $2 for my good attitude this morning and not yelling. I quickly explained that parents need not be paid to not yell, that their attitudes are often reflections of their children's attitudes. She still insisted I had earned the $2 and I assured her I would spend it wisely.

So, like I said hand in hand they got on the bus. Then I went to the school to take a few extra supplies. I asked if I could wait and take a few pics when she got off. The nice lady said they preferred not as there was much crying and such they day before. Her school does a staggered entrance. The other nice lady said I could hid and take pictures. Ha! I don't think there was a bush big enough to hide my fat ass. I told them the crazy lady would just head home.

Well waiting at the bus stop were me, her Dad, her Grandma and her Papa. When she got off she was almost in tears. She thought she was suppose to get off with our neighbor and she got off at the babysitters. She said she was sad cause she thought I had forgot. Poor baby. She was also very concerned about the public transit of our children. She informed me there are no seat belts and she is not comfortable with that. My words of wisdom, "Your Dad and I rode the bus and it was safe for us."

All in all a good day. The carpets in all my rooms are shampooed. I have steamed all the tile floors. My quiet time today was filled with the smooth sty lings of Pit Bull. I quit liked it.

There's Nothing to Be Scared of Here

2011-08-10T19:27:00.010-04:00

There is nothing to be scared of here. That is the mantra of the song that all the animated woodland creatures sing at The Great Wolf Lodge. Well, that may be true until you get your credit card bill at the end.

I have longed to take a trip to this magical place, made ever more enticing by it's promise of fun for the whole family. The kids could have their little den in the room. They didn't tell you the sleeper sofa would be unsuitable and the air mattress would leave my fat butt deflated and on the floor. The kids could play a game of clue as they go on the Magi quest adventure. They didn't tell you there is a fee for the wand and an activation fee and a fee if you want the unicorn on top and a fee for the carrier and you will be taken on a 20 mile hike up and down and up and down the stairs. They left that part out .. oops. Would you like a 2 liter coke with that? Just $5.99.

I could never afford this trip on my own so I went with one if my best buds and her two boys who we have traveled with before. All kids have their days and both of ours took their turns with their meltdowns. These meltdowns were usually brought on by someone not getting their way or some parent, meaning me or Jill, not shelling out endless amounts of money for whatever they desired. I was a sourpuss I have to admit. I am ashamed of my behavior. I actually honked the horn and screamed as loud as I could in the room, all in hopes of making a point. What was that point? I have no idea.

I am not proud of this behavior, but the Great Wolf Lodge brought out the magic in us all. Maybe it was the pixie dust in the boys magical wand price $27.99 or the sparkle in the star that Em stuffed, price $32.00. It affected us all in different ways. It made me sleep through the fire alarm that otherwise evoked action in Jill and other concerned parents. Not me. I was in a deep slumber. Not even the sound of the fire truck or the siren to sound all clear could awake me.

You may think I did not enjoy my trip and if you were there with me you would say that I really didn't, but that is not true. I did enjoy the rides that I got to go down with my friends son and that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling right before the bottom dropped out from underneath the ride that reminded me of what it was like for just a second. Oh what it is like to be a child. The anticipation and excitement. When we walked in and put our bags down we turned around and their suits were on, ready for the water park. The pixie magic that is childhood. They don't have aches and pains and worries. They have the here and the now. They don't get stuck in the water slide, screaming for the attendant to please push them cause there is a kid waiting at the bottom for them. I did enjoy looking at the children as they looked up and saw trees singing and animals dancing, even if the song was annoying me.

I would also like to say what a trustworthy bunch of people live in Concord, N.C. I left my car unlocked with GPS, DVD, camera and other things free for the taking and they were left unharmed. Apparently I didn't think that was enough of a test so, I left the door wide open and added some cash and credit cards to entice you more. I left it open for more than an hour and still no one took the bait. Thank you all for being kind in my time of complete and utter lack of brain function.

Moments

2010-12-27T22:13:00.002-05:00

We played Barbies today. Let me say it again, we played Barbies today. How I have waited for this day. We dressed them, even if it was in slutty clothing. How can they manage to make work out clothes and snow gear stripperish?

I loved playing Barbies as a child. My sister was made to play with me. She was older and did not enjoy it much. She one day decided to make Barbie and Ken have "some loving" and gone was my playmate and my innocence. He he. Just kidding about the innocence part. I had no idea what was going on.

Grandma got you Sea Monkeys for Christmas on advisement from me. I had them as a kid and thought they would be cool. Daddy had never heard of them You begged to put them in tonight and exclaimed to Daddy,"Mommy knows about these cause she had then when she was young." We shall see if they live.

I gave you a bath tonight which Daddy normally does and you took my head in your hand. You said" You make my heart break." I asked, "When?" and you replied "When you smile Mommy." The content was there, just not the right words. You break my heart too!

A White Christmas

2010-12-26T20:40:00.003-05:00

So, the snow starting coming down on Christmas day as we opened presents and continued throughout the day. We had about 4 inches all together. The first one in 29 years the paper says.

So, what do you do when it snows and you live on a farm? You go sleigh riding in the cow field. That is something I have not done since I was 14.(the sledding not the cow field stuff) It is not something I will do again this winter I think. It was so fun and your first time. Daddy was a pro and had obviously taken that cow field quite a bit as a kid.

So, we all took a turn except Grandma. She really wanted to, but her back would not allow. You were having Daddy and Papa sling you down the hill and then pull you back up. Not an easy task.

The "cow piles" as they are called made for lovely little ramps until you toppled over into one. You were covered in poo and then Grandma threw a snowball in your face. The tears ensued and the festivities were done. What a day. Loved every minute.

On a side note you have been a bit of a punk since "Santa" came. What's up with that? On your best behavior were you? Forget not your birthday coming up. Oh and Daddy's is this week. Mad cake baking, a farm cake and Hello Kitty. Yippee!!!!

Nice to be Forgotten

2010-08-05T23:51:00.003-04:00

Today I was reminded why I am glad I am no longer a child, no longer forced to be submitted to the chaos and confusion that is otherwise known as my mother. My younger brother is still a child, an eight year old boy at his mothers' side, forced to visit his father's grave every day. He is still there, being convinced that the better choice is to stay at home with his poor pitiful mother that to go to school and get an education.

My brother is so trapped inside that shell of a little boy that the only way he sees out is to take his own life. Today was just another attempt at that. Like times in the past, he was almost successful, but not quite. Like times in the past, my mother is convinced that she is being a good mother and doing the right thing by him. She is a wreck of a person and is continually doing more harm to that boy and everyone else for that matter. She will never see that. She will never see that she is to blame for some if not most of this.

A mother is supposed to nurture, care for , encourage a child. None of that happened in our house. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My sister and little brother bore the brunt of my mother's misguided mothering. Someone I slipped under the radar, went unnoticed if you will.
So, you see it should come as no surprise that my mother called me twice on my birthday; the first call to ask for a bed, the second to ask for a television. Neither time did she have any recollection of my birth. I should actually be happy that she forgot about me because if she "loved" me like she did Chris it might be me lying in the hospital now. I might be the one trying to take my own life trying to escape the distorted reality that she creates. Sometimes it is nice to be forgotten.

This and That

2010-07-30T15:02:00.002-04:00

I am approaching 33 and I this is what I have learned.

GOD is good.
I am content, although I always try to convince myself something is going to go wrong.
Life changes.
relationships are hard.
Sometimes you just aren't friends anymore.
I am a hypocrite sometimes.
No matter how hard we try, our mother creeps into us all.
Girls are harder than boys, but so much fun sometimes.
I have OCD.
My husband is awesome for putting up with me.
I am awesome for putting up with my husband.
We have a wonderful relationship, but no one has a perfect one, no matter what they say.
I have the best friends!!
I need to let go.
I still love fall and Halloween with all my heart and wish I could jump in a pile of leaves right now.
Prayer works!
I will always see myself as fat, no matter what my weight.
People are punks sometimes.
I love my little girl!
I am thankful, blessed, happy and still learning how to be me!!

HELP!!!

2010-07-20T22:04:00.002-04:00

Motherhood is exhausting sometimes. I was going to take a day today and go see a friend. Em had a bad night last night, so I took her with me. Big mistake. She was in rare form all day. I will not write some things she said to me because I do not want to reveal my failures. Oh I am exhausted. Talking has done nothing today. I was forced to take her to her Grandma's after we got back because I got a call from my doctor with some not so lovely news and had to return to town. Upon returning a fight ensued trying to retrieve my daughter. Em wanted to stay. I wanted to go home, as I was emotionally drained and felling quite sick."Just a few minutes and we will bring her home," Grandma said. Several hrs later I returned to fetch my daughter. I brought her home juiced up on Dr Pepper and chocolate. Daughters are hard. Only children are harder. Spoiled rotten chaps who seem to appreciate nothing are the hardest. So, my advice to myself, take a day. It is okay to leave her at home sometimes, even if she had a bad night.

To play GOD or not to play GOD?

2010-07-17T14:16:00.002-04:00

To those who know me it is no secret that Em is a bit spoiled. Yes, I said a bit. don't laugh. A lot of that comes with the territory of being an only child and an only grandchild. Since she was 6 months old we have been trying to have another baby, to no avail. After batteries of tests, the doctors have said there is really no reason for us not being able to conceive. After all, we have Em. There wasn't much effort put into getting pregnant with her. It happened right after I went off the pill. Coleman is an only child and while his childhood was just fine, it is his later adulthood that he is concerned with. He wonders who is going to be around to recount those memories of his parents when they are passed on. His concerns and questions are valid and are some of the same things that run through my head. I was at a friends' house the other day and saw Em playing Barbies with her little girl. She had that little pretend voice that little girls do. The prince was riding in on a horse to save the princess. I realized this was the first time I had seen Em "pretend" like that. Her other friends just aren't into that sort of play. It broke my heart and I teared up. For better or worse my sister was there to play Barbies with me growing up, even if my Mom did make her stop playing with me because she was showing me how Barbie and Ken could get "close."

So now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I sink all of my money, energy, hope, and time into a doctor in the hopes of conceiving another child? Am I being selfish? Shouldn't I be satisfied with this beautiful, healthy daughter I have and leave well enough alone? Is it playing GOD to mess with all of this? You see in all this I am a bit angry as well. Angry that we live in a society that I have to pay $20,000 to adopt a child that no one wanted. I am praying and maybe I will find my answer. All I know is that I will not let this be my focus. I will focus on the blessings that I have and see where my life leads me.

My house is infected

2010-07-11T21:17:00.002-04:00

When I came home from my beach vacation I opened the door and I was greeted with the smell. The smell of my house, that distinctive smell that lets you know you are in the right place, the place where you can kick off you shoes, pick you nose, otherwise do whatever it is that you do in the comforts of your home. Little did I know there was something lurking.

You see there was a virus lurking beneath and both Coleman and I were infected immediately. At the beach I was washing clothes, making breakfast, and fixing Coleman's plate for him. Heck, I even game Em several baths. These things are all few and far between at home. Why? I would like to know the answer to that myself. A combination of my laziness and Coleman's desire to placate me I suppose. Well, when we came home it was business as usual. Coleman asking me what I wanted for dinner, putting laundry in the wash, waiting on Em at every beckon call. I asked him why he was doing it and he said it was because my hip is hurting horribly and I have to work tomorrow. Okay, we can do this dance for a few days, but this virus is only going to be the 48 hr kind. I am not going back to having him wait on me hand and foot. I am fully capable of running this ship, I think.

Three's Company

2010-07-10T23:31:00.005-04:00

So me, Coleman and Em went to the beach with my friend and her two boys. This is the second time we have done this, but this year was the first time it was just our two little families. It was wonderful as expected. You see, we jive, we click, we mesh, we just are. My friend lost her husband last year and since then my husband and I have had the pleasure of getting to be a part of her and her boys lives. You see I love them. I love them just as they are, because of who they are. I love it that my husband is probably thinking "Thank God there is someone here who talks as much as my wife. " I love it that my friend can tell my little girl to get her lazy but up and get her own juice box and I can tell her boy that I am gonna beat him and it is all good. I'm glad that my husband cares for my friend and her boys as much as I do. Here comes the cheese. J is the third wheel to our tricycle and that is just how we roll, big wheel style. So, when some man comes and whisks her away I guess I will be forced to grow up a little. We will have to upgrade to a 4 wheeler because I want her and her boys and whoever else becomes a part of her family to keep rolling with mine.

Put Your Records On

2010-07-08T23:06:00.004-04:00

As I sit here I realize that life passes you by and you never stop to appreciate the moments. Tonight I saw the moment. I soaked it up. I basked in the sound of my 4 ½ year old daughter singing in the back seat of a car. The song, “Put You Records on.” No matter that it was being sang by the Chipmunks, the feeling was still the same as I chimed in with her. She reached up front and grabbed my hand. Holding hands and singing as we rode along “the hump bridge,” as we have come to call the long bridge over to the area of the Outer Banks where we stay. I looked across at Coleman and wondered if he was as happy at this moment as I was. Content I am. Content with Coleman and Em and my friends that seem to know me more than most of my family does or cares to. I digress. We played miniature golf at a dinosaur place and Em loved it . Somehow when it is the 3 of us I feel complete and at the same time feel as if there is someone else missing. I see my friends’ boys together and wonder what Em is missing out on. I guess that is all relative. You can have a sister that is no more a sister to you than a stranger you happen upon. Again I digress. As my daughter lies next to me sleeping her childhood away in a place where love abounds, I only hope one day these moments are not lost to her. I can only look forward to the day that she shares her fond recollections of times when life were simple, innocent, less complicated

A turn to the Dark Side

2010-07-08T09:23:00.000-04:00

First thing is first. I must take mention of this frenzy that has taken hold of both the young and old, both men and women,. The vampire werewolf obsession known as Twilight. I have been known to trash talk those “crazies” as I have once called them. Why are grown women watching this crap, I have asked. It ends now. Never again will I speak ill words of the movies or the Edward or Jacob groupies. I watched the first movie last year at the beach with my good friend Jill as she sported her I dream of Edward Cullen shirt. I thought she was foolish. I was under the influence of some of Coleman’s famous punch and found the movie cheesy to say the least. The second movie I watched again at the beach with my friend Jill and was a bit more intrigued as I saw a shirtless werewolf. Them tonight I sit here with my friend beside me in her I dream of Edward shirt and I say proudly, I am team Jacob. I love that shirtless werewolf and I am now a fan of Twilight and now am eagerly awaiting the books as she has promised me. I want to know what happens to Bella, who will she choose, will Jacobs’ biceps get bigger? Oh, the questions are spilling over in my mind. I am trying to convince my husband that these movies are no cornier than The Lost Boys or other silly cult classics we watched as teenagers. He is not on board . He is not on team Jacob or team Edward and has vowed to burn my shirt that I intend to buy tomorrow. I will not let that happen.

A Swift kick

2010-06-27T21:03:00.002-04:00

God gives us what we need and today that happened to be a swift kick in the ass. Yes I said that because that is exactly what happened verbatim.

As of late Em and I both have been struggling with things. I want this, I want that. Want, want , want. I was telling Em she was just like Veruca Salt, "I want a golden ticket daddy, I want an oompa loompa, I want one right now." I have been inundated with requests or demands rather for all of her wants excepts she declares them as needs. We have been talking about the difference between wants and needs and how God gives us what we need. I explained that we should be thankful for all that we have, our family, our friends, our health, Jesus, our church, our lovely home, food to eat. I also explained that she should be glad she had a mommy and a daddy and that I should be glad I had a little girl because some people didn't have any children.

So, I thought I was making a little progress, getting through to this 4 yr only child and grandchild. Well before church she finds a necklace that her friend Jazmin had left here. She . them exclaimed that she needed one just like it. Needed I say. Not today friend, not today.The full on foot kicking fit ensued. So some words were exchanged, some punishment was handed out, some tears were shed.

As we headed to church late with Em's hair all disheveled I marched her right back to her Sunday school class and left her there for the first time and I went to the adult class. I have never been to an adult Sunday school class in my adult life. So go ahead and ask me what our topic was. It was asking God for what you want and getting what you need. We talked about as a child we wish and hope for things like fancy houses and cars and how your perspective changes as you get older.

Well, I am soon to be 33 and my perspective surely needs to change. As I was swimming in our lovely little pool yesterday I told Coleman I eventually want a really big pool and a hot tub. He then asked "Who is Veruca Salt?" I would say many people have a little Veruca in them. God is gonna help me send her packing.

I like ho hum

2010-06-03T18:12:00.002-04:00

Quite possibly a horrible week. Coleman has been at home sick and that means he is really sick cause that man doesn't stay out of work for anything. He had been to the doc several times and continues to run a fever even on antibiotics and the diagnosis is still a sinus infection. Hum....

Well, whatever it is I pray it passes quickly. I am definitely not used to seeing that man down and out and I do mean down. We will get through all this crap and get back to our ho hum life soon, hopefully. I like ho hum!

What is a wife?

2010-06-01T22:20:00.002-04:00

What is a wife? Well apparently I have forgotten. Somehow along the way I have become self absorbed. The focus of my marriage has been my physical ailments and how best to work around them. I have been preoccupied with my work schedule, Emily's piano and swim lessons and Coleman's to do list that I have forgotten that I am Coleman's wife.

I was his wife before I was a nurse, before I was a mother. I have been slacking in that department in a major way. My hip is fixed for the most part. Every day GOD is healing it more and more. Now it is time for me to make Coleman remember why he married me, why he feel in love me.

Thankful

2010-05-23T20:24:00.002-04:00

I had surgery/ It went wonderfully. I am hopeful that the doctor has fixed what is wrong and I will be up and running in no time. Oh I would love to make a long term goal of actually running, like in a marathon in a couple of years. I could do that, right? Why not ? People who are way bigger than me have accomplished far greater feats. So, tomorrow I shall start my goal, not a diet, a goal.

I had a wonderful weekend. Friday I had a visit from my friend Nikki. Just hanging out in the yard watching our kids play. Sat, my sister came down and proceeded to shower me with gifts and then cook me dinner and wash my dishes. She didn't have to buy me things, but it sure is nice to have a relationship with my sister for once. That has been a long time coming. Sat evening my best bud Jill came down and spent the night. We played Scrabble and stayed up late talking. It was a great weekend and I am truly blessed. I am working in myself, trying to better to the people who I care about.

Em is too funny

2010-05-19T20:03:00.002-04:00

These are a few things that Em has said lately that have really warmed my heart and made me laugh

When shopping she asked for this stuffed dog. I had said no repeatedly when finally she asked in her sweet little voice," Oh mom it pleases my heart if you get me that dog. Oh please." Needless to say she got the dog. Where she got that saying from I will never know, but if something pleases your heart , who can argue with that.

Em has been wearing pull ups to bed at night until recently. We stopped putting them on her and told her only babies wore them and she was a big girl now. She tells me the other night," I am ready for one of those things that goes in between your legs." I asked her what she was talking about. She went on to explain that she was a woman now and she needed a pad to go in her underwear like I used. Oh my, how fast they grow. One day they are going poo in their diapers, the next we are sharing feminine products.

Another time she walked out of the bathroom, tampon in hand and told her Dad,"I can't wait till I can use these." Oh trust me girl, wait as long as you can.

Forced Family Time

2010-05-19T12:09:00.005-04:00

Well, I have had my surgery and I doing well. Coleman has taken off with me to cater to my every need. The only problem with that is that he must also cater to Em's needs and his mom's needs. You get the picture, 3 women, 1 Coleman, not enough time in the day. Couple that with the fact that he has a cold, and well I guess that is enough to try even the strongest of men.

He says there is no tone and that I am imagining this tone in my head. I can't say if that is true or not. I only know what I feel and perceive and he only knows how he feels and how he perceives things.

I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want him to resent having to take care of me., God knows he has had to do that enough. At some point you would think he would get tired of that. I kid with hm that I should file for divorce on his behalf and list all the reasons he should want a divorce from me. I say this only joking , but I do worry that I am not that person that he married and maybe not the one he fell in love with. I have changed somehow and not for the better.

Dynamics in a marriage change, especially when you have children. I am fully aware of that, I just want us to see each other , I mean really see each other. I love him with all my heart and I just don't know if he gets that from me.

I am alone

2010-05-04T11:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes in the middle of a group of people I feel alone. I feel they don' t get me, they don't see me. I see them, I definitely don't get them and for the most part I don't want to know them. I don' t want to know the people who talk about being Chrisitians and then send a chain letter around facebook asking GOD to please let the president die. These are the people I deal with on a daily basis . Is there any wonder I have some issues with organized religion?

This occurs at work, in random settings whenever. It's not that I feel a disconnect from my family, my family being Coleman and Emily. They are my world. If I didn't have Coleman to keep me sane I don't know where I would be. He is my everything. My partner, my friend , my lover, my confidant, but he also has to deal with all my emotional crap. My " family", mother, sister, brother, is otherwise unavailable for the most part. No weekend to discuss your week or give each other much needed hug. None of that. Missed calls, random text messages, some good karma sent of face book. Whatever that it supposed to mean. Damn, I hate Facebook I don't tell people anymore about what is going on in my life. The only people that care are the ones living it. I am not bitter this week, only seeing that in this day in age people are wrapped up in themselves.

The word family is used when it is convenient and not messy and when a Christmas present is involved. So, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and whatever greeting and salutations are cordial and appropriate for "families." Oh I forgot all of those should be directed to face book. Are funeral announcements the next thing to be posted on face book? Just wondering?

Tonight I pray. I pray that GOD will help me find my way and guide me and I also thank him for his many blessings in my life and that I might focus on those and let these little things become nothings.

What a week!

2010-04-30T23:59:00.003-04:00

Where do I start? C's Dad got home from the hospital last night. We got a call in the middle of the night MOn. He went into anaphylactic shock and was rushed to the hospital. He was having breathing problems and his tongue and face was swollen. If he had waited much longer to go to the hospital, lets just say he was lucky. God answered our prayers and he is on the mend and will never take Augmentin again.

C's Aunt has also been in the hospital, very sick. I was staying with her a lot because her children didn't seem to care what was going on. The doctor was filling me in on her situation, asking me if I had any questions. I had one. Where are her children? She is doing much better and back in the nursing home and I will see her when I work tomorrow.

Both of these situations made me think of my mother. I had not spoken to my mother in months. What is my mother were in the hospital? Who would be with her? Certainly not me. I had sworn her off. I had declared that I could not have a relationship with her because it would be upholding the lifestyle that my brother lived, the brother that she allowed to live with her.

That was my story and I was sticking to it. I felt I was justified. I felt God was on my side. He would not want me to be around people whose lifestyles were so shady. Is that right? Should I never speak to my mother again? Suddenly I felt compelled. With no warning I called my mother and asked her to come home and spend the night with me and my daughter. She came without hesitation.

We had dinner,we played on the swingset, we read books, we actually had a great night.

My daughter had her Nanny back, if only for that day. They laughed and played. My daughter sees no fault in her. She sees her fun Nanny who used to give her bubble baths and tickle her. E had the best time, wanting my mom to tuck her in, asking if she would be there when she woke up.

I don't know what will happen or how long I can have any semblance of a normal relationship with my mother. For now I will pray that my mom will see in herself what my daughter sees and allow herself to know a love that is pure. For me I only know that I seem a little less angry inside. Maybe I am letting a few things go.

Leave no Incriminating Evidence

2010-04-24T01:17:00.004-04:00

I had a lovely evening with some ladies and shared in some very interesting conversations. Out final conversation ending with discussions of my husband still using a baby monitor and allowing our 4 year old daughter to indulge in milk and movies and chips and books whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night and the notion hits her. So, I come home.

I take some groceries in and move quietly into the living room where I see the lovely red glow of the baby monitor who is still trucking after 4 years. I unplug it. I get changed, get into bed and wake my husband to tell him the monitor is off. "Why?," he asks. " Because" I say. I nestle into bed and turn on the TV to unwind and what to my wondering eyes does appear but Nickelodeon and Mi ho Kilan or however you spell it, I am not familiar with Chinese. I awake him yet again. "She has been up?" I ask. "Just once." he replies. "This has got to stop" I say.

I will let you sleep tonight dear husband, but tomorrow, we talk!

I Don't Blog

2009-11-10T23:19:00.002-05:00

I don't blog. Tonight I blog.

I am a bit confused about things. I am starting school in Jan. It's not because I thirst for knowledge or some really academic reason. It is totally self serving for our family. I need to get a bachelors degree to get any kind of nursing job that does require back labor, as my back has had enough. Five years and I've had enough. Man, I feel old. We will eventually need more money than my few hrs a week brings in. That is if Emily has a thirst for knowledge and hopefully attends a college of some nature.

My problem is timing. Do I take time away from Emily now to be at home more later and be available when she is in school? Oh the dilemmas of a good parent. I could be a parent like many women I know and do everything I want when I want and never put her into the equation.

It will all work out. I will put it Gods hands.

On a side note, I have an addiction, I am addicted to that stupid Farmville game on Facebook and I need some help to break the habit!

Baking Queen

2009-10-12T22:11:00.005-04:00

I love the little things in life. I love pumpkin rolls. I have always been scared to make them, thinking they were too hard. Today I made one and it was super easy and very tasty. I also made a Halloween cake using homemade fondant. That was actually pretty easy too. I love Halloween and fall. I love staying at home with Em. I love Coleman.

Today we were talking about how much we wanted another baby. Coleman was saying I could stay at home with "out girls." We also talked about what a great big sister Em would be. I thought I had moved on from wanting another child, but the older Em gets, the more I know I have more love to share.

I am cutting my hrs back to 8 hrs a week. Is that insane or what? I think not. This is what I think. I think you live once. Your children are young once. Money is only money. Children will remember story time over SUVs and Coleman rocks. Oh happy day!! Any one want some pumpkin roll?

Fall Approaching

2009-09-02T21:13:00.002-04:00

So, for me and Emily fall has arrived. Forget the calendar. We don't need that. That is for "other people." For us, fall is a state of mind. It is filled with freshness and a crispness. It is filled with pumpkins and leaves and decorations, parties, fairs, festivals, friends, family, and fun. This weather in invigorating. I have opened up the windows in the house lately and let the breeze flow in. At night the chill will hit and I will have to grab a warm blanket and curl up on the couch. Yeah!! Sock time is coming. I can bust out my awesome array of socks. We have the whole house decked out. Emily has already worn 2 of her 3 pair of Halloween pajamas. She even wore them out in public. We were getting a few looks. Yes, I know it is only the beginning of Sept. Who cares. So what if it looks like a pumpkin puked at our house. It makes us happy. I am just glad Em shares in my enthusiasm for this lovely holiday and time of year.

A few other things. Em sat through a whole movie. We watched all of Ice Age. She did great! She also can write her first name and A-J of the alphabet. She knows when her birthday is and the months of the year. Okay, so I am bragging a little, but that is what mothers' are supposed to do.

I had to go back to work after being off for a couple of weeks. Em said"I don't want you to go. I want to keep you." I think I will keep her too.

Story time started back at the Library. What a wonderful thing. I love taking Em. We have been going since she was a little over 1. The librarian is great. Then they have pajama story time. Too cool! Kids are so much fun. (Most of the time)

On a darker note, Emily did tell me she hated me this week. I ask myself where did I go wrong? I answer myself Spongebob. Damn you Spongebob and your pottymouth.

Summer Funk

2009-08-23T13:03:00.004-04:00

So, I have not blogged in a while. Here goes.
The summer has been trucking along and I have been in a funk. This funk seems to have started after we got back from our trip to the beach. It was so carefree and I felt so relaxed at the beach. I felt good physically too! That may have had something to do with Coleman’s favorite punch. Just kidding! My sister who takes a trip to TN every other week say she does it just to escape. She says things are different when you are in a different place. Well, whatever. That is not an option for people who live in the real world and actually pay a mortgage and have an ounce of responsibility. So, I will have to find a way to de-funk right here.
My mood further deteriorates a week before “my cycle.” I’m talking like Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I honestly don’t see how Coleman and Emily can stand being around me. I am almost too much for myself.
Compounding my funk is the fact that my hip has been killing me. I have arthritis and have been diagnosed since I was 22. Well, I joined the gym and have been exercising. I have honestly been trying to lose weight and help alleviate some of the discomfort on my own. Turns out I have been doing more harm than good. I have actually pulled the muscle in my hip and some Dogie Houser MD tells me to stay out of work for 2 weeks and use crutches. The staying home thing, no problem. Crutches, um no. I can’t do it. He then proceeds to tell me I am severely overweight and need to lose 60 ponds. Excuse me? Did you say 60? I don’t think that I would even look recognizable if I lost that much. I ask how he would like me to exercise if he says that I can’t use weights or any equipment. He says these are all bad on my joints. He says long term I should try swimming and that I could lose the weight on diet alone. The jerk tells me “Next time pick the 12 oz steak instead of the 16.” Talking about pissed.
Okay now I am going to let it all go. This is where I am going to put things in perspective. I should suck it all up. Stop pouting, stop complaining. Think of the things that I do have and stop focusing on negative things. This is when I need those people in my life who really care about me to tell me when I am being unreasonable and a tool. Just don’t let me get away with things.
I am thankful first for having my husband and daughter. Some of my friends and family have lost both. Who am I to complain about trivial things when they have experienced such a loss. I am thankful that my husband is a kind man that never judges me, never demands or makes me feel inferior. We are a team and a great one, I think. Marriage is a wonderful, sacred thing. Too many people today think of it as disposable. Some think of husbands and even children like the latest accessories. No different than their Suburban or the newest flat screen TV. Those things all lose their shine and luster. Well marriage isn't about shine and glitz. It is about two people who have chosen to share their lives together. It is more than the church, the dress, the official paper. It is about the commitment to each other and to GOD. If you remember what brought you two together, reminisce about when you first met, those butterflies, although not fluttering wildly are still there. When you look at him on a tractor with an old hat after 10 years and think “Damn, he’s hot.,” that passion is still there.
Okay, I’m rambling, But my point is I am looking at the blessings in my life and being thankful. I am thinking that if Coleman and I show Emily that we love each other, she will see what love is and what a marriage should be. I am done for now!

Relationships

2009-07-22T22:05:00.004-04:00

So, we all have relationships. Many different kinds. We have family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, acquaintances to name a few. Within these categories we can go even further.

For instance, within my family of my mother father brother sister type thing, there is but one of those relationships that still exists in a true sense, in a I am in this relationship because I love you and not because of what you can do for me sense. You see my brother knows me, I know him. I can tell him I don't like what he's saying. He can tell me to wake up and smell the bad idea in front of my face. No offense taken. I guess we get each other. We expect things from other people. For this we have been called snobs. So as not to assume he agrees with me on every issue I shall say I from henceforth.

I expect people to tell the truth. I expect people to put their children first. I expect people to be nonjudgmental. I expect people to whenever possible keep their promises. I expect those who love you to show it and I don't mean in the here is $1000 sorta way. Not too many unreasonable requirements, but the reason nonetheless for my lack of family and friends.

It has taken the birth of my daughter 3 1/2 years ago to understand true love, true commitment. My daughter is without doubt my top priority. She is my responsibility. What I teach her, what I allow her to see, hear and the people I allow her to be around all directly impact her. So, I guess if being selective of my friends and even family because their choices are less than ideal is snobbish then I will wear that label proudly. I will hold my nose up high and let the rain poor in because I don't want my daughter visiting a grandmother who lives with 3 crack heads and wonders why my daughter isn't allowed there.

Do I sound angry, bitter? Well , maybe I am angry. Angry because I have to justify why I feel the need to take the higher road and make a better life for me and my family. Why am I the bad guy because I don't want my child to learn the vocabulary of a sailor or how to talk back to me? Is it wrong to want to protect her for as long as I can from all that I can? There are decisions to be made in the intersts of good mothers and fathers everywhere and I will be making them!! Sorry to offend but it appears that is my way. The only thing that matters is that I know what I'm doing is right and it is all good with me and GOD. I'm pretty sure he is on board for limiting contact with people who are drug addicts, biggots and raccists.

Tell Me No More Lies

2009-07-10T23:10:00.005-04:00

So, does a 3 1/2 yr old know how to lie? Does she possess in her skill set deceitfulness, dishonesty, and an uncanny knack for pulling the wool over other eyes. The jury is out on this one.

The other day Em spent the majority of the day in the corner. Don't worry. She was provided nourishment and potty breaks. In fact, the reason for being in the corner stemmed from nourishment and potty breaks.

Lie #1 We were having PB&J for lunch. I told Em she had to eat. So, I got up to get something. I come back and she is chewing. I mean really chewing, An abnormal chew if you will. Increasingly abnormal since there is a devilish grin and the sandwich is strikingly still square for a sandwich that has been bitten. She proceeds to tell me "I am eating I am." Lie ! In the corner she goes.

Lie#2 I tell Em to use the potty. She starts washing her hands and says "I did potty I did Mom." Lie!!! In the corner she goes.

I do discuss with her what she has done and what lying is, but I just don't think it is getting through.

Not a lie, just funny. She accidentally pooped in her pants. She said,"I told that poop no sir you stay in there, but it said, no ma'am and came anyway." Hee hee!

Hodge Podge Beach Trip

2009-07-02T13:59:00.011-04:00

OK, so follow closely. I am at the beach with my childhood friend whom I have known since I was 6, her two boys, her brother-in-law, his three children, my friend's childhood friend and her daughter and my husband and daughter. To do the math for you 7 children 5 adults.

How may you ask do this little conglomerate of people come about. Well, it started with my dear friend who has a great heart who doesn't like to admit it. She is thoughtful, kind and the strongest person I know and I am not just writing that because she is probably the only person who is going to read this. She made this trip possible and to her I give much thanks.

I have to admit I was a bit nervous about this vacation before leaving, wondering how all these personalities would mesh together. I thought maybe there would be too many people. That was not the case at all.

This trip has been very much what I needed. What did we do you ask? Nothing. We went to the beach every day. We sat and watched the waves come in. For future reading when I say we I don't necessarily mean all of us. We had Coleman's famous punch. (Yes all of us.) We watched J's favorite movie Twilight after some punch which made it seem a bit juvenile, or was it all along? The world may never know. We played Scrabble and I think Coleman realized he can actually spell better than he thought. The little girls had a miniature golf night out. Emily loved it. She even got a hole in one. In fact all the kids did. Em was on her best behavior and slept through the night. She took her first shower. She frolicked in the ocean until her heart was content. She and her Dad collected seashells all day. Coleman found the perfect shell with the shape of a heart.

All in all I could not have asked for a more restful peaceful vacation, but I did feel a beet guilty. I felt bad for having my husband there with me . As if I were flaunting my family in the face of others whose families were missing a piece of the puzzle. My eyes often welled up when I would look and see my friend alone on the beach when there should have been a seat next to hers. I often wondered what thoughts went through the minds of two little boys when they saw all the other Dads on the beach. Then, we would start to talk of T and although I didn't know him that well I would begin to get a glimpse of him. It was as if a part of him was there. It was as if he had brought us all together. I think in fact GOD did bring us all together. A wonderful vacation!!!

Marriage

2009-06-17T22:30:00.002-04:00

OK I am going to admit that I have watched Jon and Kate plus 8. Not recently, but in the remote past. I mainly watched so I could be mesmerized by her organizational skills. We had one similarity, I am a nurse and she used to be one once upon a time . Seemed intriguing enough. Well, so I thought. Silly me.

I came home the other day and said to Coleman "If Jon and Kate can get a divorce that means we could too." Stupid I know, but I often think we have more similarities than just the nurse thing. Coleman said I got my hair cut like her. Whatever. Sometime I feel like her. Evil!!!!!!!!

Coleman is awesome as I have written ad nauseum , but it goes beyond that. I feel I slack in my duties as a wife and a mother. This man cooks. cleans, does laundry and seems to be the only one that meets the criteria to get up with my daughter if she should awaken in the night.

So, what do I offer I ask? What do I bring that is so rare that he could find it it no one else you ask? Ready wait for it. I live with him a cow field away from his mother. No, just joking kinda.

The answer is that I love that man. I treasure him. I appreciate him. I love the way my daughter says "Don't talk to my Daddy like that." I love the way he knows the best and worst of me and has not run for the hills. I guess I just love him, all of him.

I HATE WALMART

2009-06-11T10:55:00.005-04:00

Well, it has been quite a while since my last post. Mostly I write when I feel angry or irritable. Thus, the no writing. Well. leave it to Walmart to invoke feelings in me that must be put on paper so to speak.
I WILL NEVER GO TO WALMART AT 12 midnight again. One would think it may be a quick in and out. Slip in right after work. Yeah, no!! The computers switch over at midnight and that takes about 20 mins. The guy in front of me had to return a multitude of random items, a prepaid phone, a printer, DVDs. Whatever. Really? You decided now that these things were not what you needed? Not his fault. The woman had no clue, telling the man he would have to return in the morning to return electronic devices. Not his fault, he was pleasant enough. We talked a bit. I think he was sweet on me just kidding he was like 18.
On to my next issue. WHY? Why do you take children to Walmart at 1:00 am? Why are there babied crying? Do children not sleep? I forget that there are people like my little brother that could care less about their children and they just roll whatever the hour. To all of those parents, I say YOU SUCK!!!!!!!
A pleasant note. I did randonly see some people that I love. I love talking with them. They are like my family and I miss them. I wish I could see them more but have been blessed enough to see them twice in one week. They made my midnight jaunt worth it!!

oh happy day!!!!

2009-04-21T23:01:00.001-04:00

Well, I did it. It is official. I quit my job. I will no longer be working the weekends. My 28 day notice starts today. The horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach is easing, my headache is still there however. I am giving up quite a bit of money, but money is not everything. In fact, it is nothing more than a nuisance if you ask me.

I will be starting a job working three days a week, an occasional weekend and an occasional holiday. The great part is it will be in the area that I love with people who actually want to work with me. Going back home to the Recovery Room. The only real nursing job I ever really thoroughly enjoyed. . That is always a plus. To be honest I didn’t know I was that bad. Maybe I am. Maybe like my brother I expect too much out of people. Honesty, equality, freedom from harm, freedom from persecution. Just a wish list of things I would like in a job. You would think that would not be too hard to achieve. I have a sense of relief. I don’t feel like I’m going to throw up at any minute or my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

Guess what. I will be going to the beach. I will be off June 27&28 and I won’t be working the 4th of July. Sorry to ruin the evil plan to ruin my vacation !!!!!!!!! Summer here I come. Thank you GOD for guiding me on this path and for the great people in PACU who are taking me in with open arms. Maybe one day I will settle in one spot. Until then !So long,
The Traveling Nomad Nurse

As an afterthought I love our new dog!!!

Dis

2009-04-19T23:11:00.002-04:00

I am disgruntled, disheartened, dismayed, disheveled, disappointed, and dis happy. I made that last one up. I think you get the point. All of this has to do with my work not my home life, let me preface.

I went to school to be a nurse, but three years ago my outlook on life changed and now more than ever I see the real picture. Em and Coleman are my priority without hesitation without question. There is, however, this horrible issue of money. I guess everyone needs it. I hate it, but I have become like all dependant upon it. I wish that we could go back to the old ways. I'll trade you a cow and you can give me three goats. That would be neat.

I am too worried about Emily to have to worry about something stupid like work. I guess some people have nothing better to do than to try and make my life a living hell. Well guess what? It's not working. I have a wonderful husband who baked cookies with his little girl while I am at work. Homemade ones, not the pre-cut business. I have an amazing little girl who when she hears her mommy crying on the phone listening to the doctor tell me she may have juvenile arthritis says to her dad, "Dad I think mom needs me." She comes to my side and says "Don't cry mommy I'll give you a kiss." That is my girl and this is my perfect life. I am taking it as it comes and none of those miserable people at work are gonna get me down. I am contemplating quitting and the decision with be made shortly. Stay tuned!!!!!!

Random

2009-04-05T23:00:00.004-04:00

My bathroom is almost finished. The shade of blue is the color of the ocean. Coleman replaced all the lights and the fixtures. So pretty. My bedroom is going to be the color of sand. My little sea and sand escape I hope. Coleman is so handy, handy but very slow. I'm not speaking ill of him. He is well aware of this.

Em's Papa sells one of the calf's each year and gives the money to Em. We normally put it away for her but this time we used it to buy her a play yard. It has a clubhouse and a curvy slide, an area for drawing with chalk and a sandbox. I'm excited. We are planning to be at home a lot this summer, so I'm sure she will enjoy it. It was fairly cheap too. That is always a plus. Just wonder how long the assembly will take.

I have a neighbor, if that is what you want to call it. She lives across the road. She is younger than Coleman but he grew up around her. She is a very nice person, but we for whatever reason just haven't talked that much. She has a daughter that was born just one month after Em. A couple of weeks ago she called and asked if Emily wanted to play. We did. They were cute together. The same height, the same cute curls. We then invited them to start going to story time with us on Thurs. nights. They have been going every week.. She also has a 6 month old boy. This past week she called me up in a jam daycare and I ended up watching her kids for her. I was excited. I felt like I had a neighbor friend, a buddy. This may be beneficial to us both since our girls will be going to school together, in the middle of nowhere.

As a side note, yeah I think we are done having kids. I couldn't remember how to mix formula. Changing the diaper was odd. It's like once you get out of that mindset it is so hard to go back. I am content with my little angel. I love the age she is now. So inquisitive, like a sponge soaking up
everything.

In May I will start working Friday and Sat. nights. I will actually be off on Sundays and may be able to start back to church. I am really looking forward to a lot of things coming up. We are going to TN for an anniversary trip in May, then the beach in June. I am happy tonight as I write.

A Lovely Day

2009-04-01T15:50:00.002-04:00

Wed. is story time at this library. Em and I have missed very few days. Today was very nice. Em was especially talkative and interacted quite a bit. . Her friend Grace was there and they were buddy buddy.
After every story time we check out way too many books. These are the books that we read at bedtime and we change them every 2 weeks. This is our routine. Kinda cute. Em picks her books based on looks, whatever catches her eye. I try to throw in ones I think are educational. She LOVES Dr Suess books.
Today she picked up A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza. Of course we had to read them before her nap when we got home. This was a great book. It was about a duck who doesn't have a mother. She looks all over for one and a bear finally takes her home and her children are a hippo, pig, and alligator. I immediately thought of how this would be a great book for children of different ethnic backgrounds who are adopted or biracial children. Loved this book.

Sooooo. I have a long standing feud with the baby monitor. Yes, still in use. Yes, my daughter is 3. Blame Coleman not me. Well, today I can say with confidence ( I think) that the monitor will be gone. After Emily went down for a nap I was doing laundry and talking to Coleman on the phone. I turned around and there was Emily. She said "The buttons on my shirt came undone. I need you to fix them." Scared the crap out of me. Just like that she learned she could get up, open the door and come to me. After about 10 times this wasn't cute anymore. We had a talk. I told her she could only get up after she had slept and woke up or if she needed mommy. (That one is wide open) So far she is still in bed. We shall see! Wish me luck.

A Playful day

2009-03-31T21:56:00.005-04:00

Today Emily and I went to Kids Cove at TRBC. I had heard about this enormous indoor play area from many if my friends. I have often been invited, but today decided to brave it alone, just me and Em. I am unsure if this is open to the public or reserved to to thousands of TRBC members. Entering into the building was somewhat overwhelming in itself. I wasn't sure if I was going into a church or a shopping mall. Then it kinda looked like a hotel lobby. Then I saw the colors of my bathroom poured over the massive building. If it is stylish enough to be at TRBC, I think I may question my whole design scheme. Oh, that sounded wrong. No offense to any TRBC members.

So, after walking down the what looked like marble lined floor we finally reached the Kids Cove. I was tryng to be all incognito so no one would no I was an outsider, The group of ladies and their kids looked at us as we walked in. They knew, they had to. It was like they could smell it on us as we walked in. I saw a girl that had a girl Em's age. She looked at me in a yeah, I don't go to church here either, I'm just sneaking in and using their facility way. We became quick friends and our girls played together, My spidy sense was right, she was one of us.

We had a wonderful time. The place was amazing and I am sure provides hours of entertainment for lots of kids. But.........

Do we need all that stuff to worship GOD. Do plush couches and marble and coffee bars and statues bring us closer to GOD? Just my thoughts. Again sorry to offend. I have a way of doing that.

This and That

2009-03-09T23:15:00.002-04:00

Well, I haven't written in a while. Life seems to get in the way. This is a total random potpourri of thoughts.

Last week there was a foot of snow on the ground. Em's first real snow. Coleman called in to work and stayed home and we played outside and built snowmen. It was really nice. I fixed omelets for breakfast. I realized that Coleman and I hadn't eaten breakfast together in almost 6 months, since I started working only the weekend.

Yesterday, a lady at work came in and worked the last 4 hrs for me. I got off at 3. I came home and played outside with Em and Coleman. We got our 67 Camaro out and drove to town for dinner. That was nice. Again, the first Sunday evening I've been off in 6 months.

This working only the weekend thing definitely has its share of advantages and disadvantages.

Coleman went to see The Watchmen tonight. He said the movie was "weird." It takes a lot for Coleman to give a movie that label, so I'm glad I didn't go see it. I'm suppposed to see 2 of my frineds this week and I'm getting my hair done. I am looking forward to the week, just wish the weather would stick around.

A New Day

2009-02-09T23:25:00.003-05:00

So, I have for a while been feeling jittery, out of sorts and on edge. I have blamed this on many things. I will say that I am stressed out, that I don't get enough time to just stop and think. I have also put a lot of the blame on other people. I have become very disgruntled at work, constantly complaining and even going as far as to look for another job.

Well, Sunday it hit me like a ton of bricks. GOD spoke to me. Not directly to me, but through someone and it became clear to me that the problem was within me. My heart has not been pure. My tongue has been the vessel that has been bringing these feelings upon me. I have begun a "tongue fasting." I have been reading the Bible but recently picked up this book that is about helping you tame your tongue. It is scripture based and very relevant and helpful. It is helping me to understand the teachings of Jesus better.

There are new feelings erupting inside of me. I feel invigorated, alive and very capable of changing. I have realized that I have been self absorbed and not looking to GOD for answers. I am hopeful, optimistic and convinced more than ever that GOD is real and loves me.

Direction

2009-01-28T18:31:00.003-05:00

Today I feel out of sorts. I can't quite place my finger on it, but I think it has something to do with feeling trapped in this house. Spring please come early!

I need some alone time. Emily asked is she was aggravating me today. The answer was yes and since I have this horrible honesty thing going on the answer to her was yes. Today we just did not jive. That is okay. Those days are to be expected, especially when you are at home together for 5 days straight.

I, however, feel out of sorts with myself. I need to do something. I did some scrap booking that I haven't done in years. That didn't help. Only made me realize how incredibly unorganized I am.

So, I will make a list of things I want to do. Oh yeah, I also started cutting out my Dr Peppers today. That may have something to do with it. Back to the list. A little late, but a list nonetheless.

Things I Would like to start/do/ accomplish this year
1. pay off credit card ( 2 more months baby)
2.organize all my closets
3. purge all of my clothes and Emily's baby stuff (it's time no baby in our future and no size 12 in mine)
4. loose weight I don't care how much just start
5. have more dates with my husband
6. have at least a few hrs a week alone
7. Get a pedicure
8. tame my tongue speak before I think
9. Read the entire Bible twice (working on that)
10. Be a better wife and mother
11. Find an area of work that I loved
12. Let go
13. Keep my hair cut short and highlighted (it makes me feel womanly)

Em Marie is now 3 !

2009-01-16T12:20:00.004-05:00

It was just 3 years ago that my little baby was born. Today she is a baby no more. She was born at 3:19 am after 24 hrs of labor. Funny how the pain of labor quickly fades away. Surely to be replaced with the pains of raising a child. How your heart aches for them when they are sick or when they ask to see a grandparent that they cannot see. She is my angel, my friend, my light, my everything. The greatest thing that has ever happened to me, my crowning achievement.

She has grown into a little lady full of spunk and opinion much like me. She has heart that is vast, a sweetness that I hope lasts. much like her Daddy. As if marking her transition into toddler hood, becoming a "big girl", she has started calling me "mommy." No more momma. To quote her "I'm complicated." She wanted a big girl bike and a helmet for her birthday. She said,"I'll win the race for sure." She is full of these funny sayings. They crack me up.

As she grows up I can only hope that she knows that she is loved beyond belief and that her parents will always be there for her. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Change is Coming

2009-01-09T10:52:00.009-05:00

So, I am a nurse. You would think that I would have some job security in this day and age with mad shortage. Not so much. This week they let 3 people go that I work with. Not necessarily go, just rerouted to other areas of the hospital, other shifts. Shifts that aren't conducive to their family needs. So far this has not directly impacted me, but I really feel for these people. It makes you step back and take stock so to speak of your affairs.

C's job has been doing fairly poorly for a while. He makes bearings for SUVs afterall and these days they aren't the hottest sellers. They just announced that his plant manager was leaving. Usually not a good sign. He's retiring, so, we'll see. They have had numerous lay-offs in the past months and C has managed to elude them all. Maybe he can hold out.

We don't by any means live extravagantly. I drive my old beat up Cavalier that has been through more fender benders than I can count. We don't have fancy cars or big SUVS. We don't have a huge house with all the latest amenities, but we could do more to cut back. I should say I could do more. C. that boy, he spends NO money. He is a saver and I guess that is what ultimately will save us.

So, I listen to Q99. Love that station. It relaxes me on the way home from work. John Tesh gives advice on there. Some of it crap, some of it is pretty interesting. So they suggested a no spending month. Nothing except the necessities. Could I do that? An entire month? No Dr Peppers from the drink machine? No McDonalds? It is possible I suppose. I am going to still an idea from a friend and plan out all of my meals. Try at least? Em's B-day is next week. Do I start after that? Thought? Suggestions?

New Year

2009-01-06T10:17:00.007-05:00

I had decided that I wasn't going to blog anymore. I think that the whole facebook blog thing is taking up a bit too much of my time. Yet I sit here writing today. I think moderation is the key.

Em and I went back to the doctor yesterday for like the sixth time in a couple of weeks. I was beginning to think I was going to have to buy some antibiotics on the black market. She had horrible ear infection that was making her stomach upset and making her feel dizzy I guess. She was so cranky not sleeping and not herself at all. I am optimistic that she will return to her former self soon. I really need her to.

Coleman and I had a date for his birthday. Very nice. I need more dates. I need more time for myself sometimes! Is that bad to say? Em has not been in daycare for 1 month and his mom has watched her once. That once was the date and she called to say that something was really wrong because Emily was crying and kicking her. We needed to take her to the doctor immediately. Um... I had taken her to the doctor the day before. You would think I had no parenting skills. I explained that maybe Em just needed her parents since she hadn't been away from them in a while. No, that wasn't it. I came home. Em jumped in my arms, We had a little talk later and she said she just got cranky. I love that girl. She is so much like me it is not funny!

At work I am taking a more laid back approach. I am an anal person by nature and not very tolerant of people, but I have a new outlook. I am going to worry about me and as Coleman says think before I speak, which is something I have trouble with.

Em is now riding her bike that Santa brought her. She is digging that. We are going to make some muffins and I am going to have a wonderful day!!!!!!

A Christmas to Remember

2008-12-26T18:16:00.004-05:00

Well, this has certainly been a Christmas to remember. We have all been sick for weeks. We didn't get to go see lights or visit with friends or family. We have spent the last few weeks with vomiting, diarrhea and traveling with Emily to and from the doctor. She has been extremely ill. She has lost a lot of weight and is just now eating, We even got to go to the doctor on Christmas Eve for an impromptu chest xray to rule out pneumonia. What fun! We missed the annual Christmas eve dinner at C's uncles house. C's Dad got sick the day before and we have yet to see them. Emily can't take getting sick again. We normally have Christmas breakfast at my house with his parents. Not this year. Just me, Em and C. Em was in no mood. So, we haven't seen any of our family. I thank you K for being my shoulder to cry on during this crazy time. So this Christmas was not what I planned or intended but I am thankful for having my husband and daughter by my side. I am praying for Em and C's dad to continue getting better. Thanks to all of you who called about Em!

Am I Crazy?

2008-12-10T22:03:00.002-05:00

So C has been on 1st shift for months now and Em has a well established pattern at bedtime. C's job is very eradic latley and so now he is back on 2nd shift. This is the first week in months I have been at home alone with Em at night. That well established bedtime routine, needless to say, does not involve me. Tonight she screamed for her Daddy till I thought I couldn't take it any more. Charlie Brown came to the rescue and that quieted her for a while. I have to work in the morning and she can seem to sense that as well. That means I won't be able to go to sleep until C gets home at 11. I am thankful he even has a job but the flip flopping of shifts is affecting Em. She misses her Daddy at night. I am woman enough to admit that she prefers having him around most of the time. It's a little girl thing I suppose.
So, to my question. If I struggle on a daily basis and most of the time the 3 yr old wins, am I crazy to even be thinking of having another baby? Am I a bad mother because I need a day to myself? I would love to get my hair cut. That would be lovely. C and I haven't been on a date in a year. Yep, that's right, a year. We talked about that last night. We need some alone time. Unfortunately, that isn't gonna happen. My mom used to watch Em a lot. Now she doesn't see her at all. His mom watches her but for brief periods and usually so I can work extra to make a little extra money. I have a friend who has left her 3 month old overnight already for a shopping trip. Em is 3 yrs old and we have never left her overnight. She has her mom's OCD, so I think it will probably be a while. Oh well, maybe I will get some sleep tonight. Em goes to daycare tomorrow so maybe she can interact with some kids for a change.

My husband

2008-12-08T22:51:00.003-05:00

I talk a lot about my daughter, as most moms do. I also talk very little of my husband, which most moms do. Tonight I will talk about C. So, here goes.

For those of you that have met him you know he is a man of few words, so when he talks it matters. I have been having a lot of problems with my back lately. He has been worried about me and catering to my every need. He has been doing the laundry, the dishes and anything else that comes up. This isn't out of his norm. He isn't one of those guys that sits around and expects me to do all the work. I feel lately that I am slacking in many ways. I have been worried about not being able to work, his job, and various other things lately. When I get worried I tend to snap and unfortunately, its usually at him. I feel awful about this. I could not ask for a better husband. He is an absolutely wonderful father. Em adores him. There is a sparkle in his eye when they are rolling around on the floor playing. This is what life is about. When he gets home tonight I will tell him what he means to me and how I have been a tool lately. He also never buys himself anything. As I sit here typing on my laptop he bought me I am reminded of that. I got him an XBOX 360 for Christmas. I can't wait to see his face. The only thing the boy asked for was some socks and gel inserts for his shoes. I think he deserves it.

As a side note I had my "procedure" today to get checked out to see why we can't get pregnant again. Everything looked okay. I am optimistic and hopeful yet content now with the wonderful family I have.

Family and Friends

2008-12-01T15:03:00.005-05:00

I have been busy lately but in a good way. Thanksgiving was a quiet, peaceful, calm, thankful day. I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner since C and I have been married. It is usually a mixture of his family and mine. This year it was only his family which was a little sad for me, but nice nonetheless. My brother and his entire family, including the 1 year old, were sick with a stomach bug and couldn't come. My sister did stop by during the day, but was with her husbands' family. The situation with my mother is complicated, to say the least, so she was not there. C's parents, two uncles and cousin were there. They would all have been at home alone, so we told them to come on over. I cooked the majority of the meal ahead of time so Thanksgiving day was actually quite relaxing. I am thankful for my family. C and Em are my world. They mean so much to me. I feel I fall short of showing them. C's family has become my family. I know some of you have heard my rants about my in-laws and living so close to them, but there are moments like now that I am thankful. I am thankful that I can see how a relationship between an adult child and mother can be, since I can't experience that first hand.

Friday night my friend, her husband and two little girls came down. We fixed a steak dinner and hung out. This is only the second time the husbands have been around each other. They are a lot alike and it was great just hanging out. Her 7 yr old is amazing and Em adores her. Em is having some real issues with sharing, but I suppose this is to be expected at her age. It was so nice to have people at my house. I don't get a lot of guests in the middle of nowhere.

The Baby Blues

2008-11-20T14:49:00.002-05:00

So, I am late. Like 5 days late. I am not late, normally. For the past 6 months 28 days like clockwork. So, I am smiling inside. Not on the outside. I have jinxed myself in the past by taking a pregnancy test before,too early. So I patiently waited. Today I thought, I will take it. Yeah, well negative. Another month, another month of not being able to share in the bliss that is pregnancy.
So I am sitting there feeling down and I turn to facebook. Who knew that GOD is down with the facebook thing. From one comment on my status I received several encouraging emails from other people who have been through what I am going through. They lifted my spirits and reminded me that this is GOD's plan. He is in action always. I thank you to those friends. Your words and prayers are invaluable. I will continue to pray for another baby and see what GOD has in store.

Oh Christmas Tree

2008-11-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

Since Em is almost 3 I thought this Christmas my dream would finally come true. I have always had this vision of the perfect tree trimmimg. It involves lots of ornaments, hot chocolate and happy Christmas music. We had all but the hot chocolate. Till now C had resisted the music but he actually liked it. ( I think) So we trimmed the tree and Em only broke a few ornaments, but they were probably made in China, so I can't blame her. I thought that I was putting up the tree too early but other people I know already have a tree up. The holidays come earlier every year. This year I am trying to focus more on the real reason that we celebrate Christmas. I am thankful for my family and my friends and for being able to have dinner with my brother and sister yesterday.

My Church

2008-11-16T22:21:00.001-05:00

It is funny how GOD works in different ways. I am follower of Christ but often struggle with how to share my faith. I told C tonight that we don’t talk enough about our faith or GOD. We also haven’t been able to go to church since I started working only on the weekend. I do not believe that you have to go to church to have a relationship with GOD or to share your faith. I would like to find a church to share my life and faith with other followers who could help me find my way down this path.

Back to my job. I needed to start working more because of C’s job. They haven’t been doing the greatest. The weekend only thing would work because you work less and get paid more. You are part time but get full time pay. A win-win. (All except the working every weekend thing) When I interviewed there weren’t any positions open. I was just going to interviewed in case something came open. Well the job came open the day I interviewed and she called the next week to offer me the job. That same week C’s job cut him back to 4 days a week. GOD at work.

So as I write tonight I think back on another weekend where I sat at the bedside of a dying patient and hugged a daughter who is about to loose her father. For the past few weeks it seems this has become the norm. I find myself crying every weekend with a family member. I started asking myself why I kept going back if I knew this was going to happen. This is GODS plan. I am touched by the strength and faith of the patients and families. They are making me want to be a better person and a better servant. This is where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. For now this is my church.

Friday

2008-11-14T20:47:00.002-05:00

Today C had surgery to remove a "growth" on his eye. He was his not his usual silent self. He was joking with the doctor the entire time. It was very different to see that side of him. I think it comes out when he gets nervous.

We got E her "pop and spray" things she was wanting sooo badly. These are otherwise know as "Pixos." I know that now because of my friend J. Well they are not the awesome wonder they appear on TV. As most things these days it started out E and I doing it. By the end I was making some weird looking dog out of tiny balls. $14.99 down the drain. This is why there should be no television in out house.

I have learned that you cannot change people and you cannot please everyone, so it is with great diligence I will try to remember both of these as I deal with my myriad of family and friends.
It is off for 2 days of work I go so I will rest.

Jill This Blogs For You

2008-11-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

As I set here listening to my almost 3 year old beckon her dad on the monitor I feel compelled to break the monitor. Not in anger or frustration, but that is the only way my husband would be able to not use it. I never would have thought I would be trying to convince him to stop using the monitor. When the child is completely aware of it and talks louder so it will pick her voice up it has to go. She is 3. What is the cut-off age? Is she gonna be the first 15 yr old with a baby monitor in her room? She is so playing her daddy. The monitor has to go. IT IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!

A perfect day

2008-10-31T22:09:00.000-04:00

Well Halloween has always been a favorite of mine, but there was something different about this one. Today was a beautiful day full of life, laughter and love. I started off the day by taking a drive with just me and Coleman. We had been trying to find a man who makes tiny replicas of tobacco barns. His dad grew up on a tobacco farm and he had always wanted one of these little miniature barns. Well last night I was searching the web and found an article about the man. I called him this morning and he only lived about 30 mins from us. So we drove up to the lake and bought his dad one for Christmas. Things like this make me very happy. It was a beautiful drive and I had great conversation with C, which is something we haven't had a lot of time for lately. When we get home I received a gift I had ordered for his mother in the mail. A vera bradley bag regularly $90 and I paid $30. Again very excited. Then we went to a lovely Halloween party at my friend J's house. She is awesome, the party was awesome, trick or treating was awesome. Today was a wonderful day and I am blessed beyond belief . I am thankful for my wondeful family and friends.

A Bad Weekend

2008-10-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

Well, another day passed and I found myself at the bedside of another dying person. A person who touched my life in many ways and who I would like think that I had touched. It is hard to be a nurse and see people pass away all around you and come back the next day and do it all over again. When they are older it doesn't seem to bother me as much. I guess I feel that they have lived their lives. When they are so young it is hard for me to grasp. His little girl was 9, only 3 years younger than me when my dad passed. I looked at her eyes and saw me. A scared little girl not sure what the future held or what had just happened. One minute we are here and the next we are gone. Life is short and should be spent cherishing every moment. I suppose that is easier said than done. C is a believer, but has never been saved. I don't know how I would deal with the thought of not being able to see him again. I try not to push him, but we are not promised tomorrow. Do I get too attached to people? Should I not become so involved? Does that make it easier to bear or is that denying who I am? I had lunch with my mother today. Do I let go of my anger about that situation and just let it be? Oh well too many rambling thoughts for today, but at least they're out of my head for now.

I am sad

2008-10-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

I didn't grow up knowing what I was going to be when I grew up. It wasn't until later in life that I was led down the path of being a nurse. We all have reasons for choosing certain paths, but somehow I think GOD chose this path for me. Tonight I was not a nurse. I was a daughter, a friend, and a very sad person. I have not touched the hand of a person who has died since my father passed when I was 12. Tonight I held tightly to a woman that, although I didn't know for very long touched me. Her cold hand in mine I was no longer a nurse but feeling what her daughter felt as she stood there and looked at her mother who not hours ago was playing with her grand baby. GOD put us in each others paths so we might touch each other. May we not go blindly about our lives, our work. Stop to think of the lives of those around us and how we can make them better, brighter, if even for a little while. As I go to sleep tonight I am sad and thankful at the same time. I will be praying for my other buddy. They don't tell you this part in nursing school.

THe failing economy blah blah blah

2008-10-10T20:42:00.000-04:00

I am quite frankly tired of hearing everyone around me talk about the state of the economy and who is to blame. People say it is Bush, the Republican, the Democrats, the walstreet tycoons, but yet no one seems to see the obvious. We are responsible. We, the greedy people of the United States. TLC and HGTC are to blame. Everything has consequences. The 30 some things or our country are to blame. We have grown accustomed to absurd things. We expect things that are frivolous and unnecessary. How many of us have been watching one of those stupid home makeover shows and heard someone respond to a brand new kitchen by saying “We would totally have to redo everything. We need granite and stainless appliances.” Um, no. You don’t need those things. Do they add genuine value to your life. Do they make your kids look back and say “Gee my childhood was awesome. I has granite countertops.“ I think not. Why does everyone expect to dry huge SUV’s but seem surprised when they amass a huge sum on credit card because they can’t afford the gas? Why do families of 4 think they need 3400 sq. feet? Why do mothers have children but think it is someone else’s responsibility to raise them? We as a nation have shown that material things and status are what is important. It is more important to sign our 3 year olds up for all these cute programs so we look involved than spend some quality time with them. I don’t mean to rant and I am not in any way blameless. I have done my part to contribute to this period of disarray, but I do know what is important to me. It is not granite counter tops, Vera Bradley bags, zip codes where you lives, designer clothes, fancy play groups, immaculate houses, or self absorbed people. The things that are important to me are my freedom, my family, my friends, GOD, being kind to others, and living in a country where I am able to say all of this.

My little girl is not so little

2008-10-05T16:36:00.000-04:00

Well E is not so little anymore. I guess this just didn't happen over night. We went to the ZOO the other week and she rode the Merry-Go-Round. I thought she was going to freak out so I started her out slow on the giraffe that didn't do up and down. It wasn't long before she was ready for the spinning nest. Then she was on to the elephant that went up and down. She was such a big girl. She walked a lot of the way. So we went to the fair and she spotted the Merry-Go Round. Of course she wanted to ride that. This one was, however, not quite as nice. She rode this. Then she spotted the train. I asked if I could ride with her, but the attendant informed me I was to big. Well, she rode all by herself. It was the cutest thing.
As E was taking her bath tonight she says “Momma, I need to shave my back.” I looked down at the dark brown fuzz on her back and laughed. Before you know it she’ll be shaving her legs. She had pictures at her daycare today. What? Is she old enough for that? She is emerging into an opinionated spirited little lady. She says last night “I’m a good dancer mom. Want to see my spinning kick?” Where did that come from? She makes me laugh, smile and want to pull my hair out on a regular basis. She is the most rewarding part of my life. I treasure every moment. I only hope that God will see fit to give her a brother or sister to share life with.

The Ups and Downs of Motherhood

2008-10-01T16:17:00.000-04:00

Well I have never been accused of having an abundance of patience but lately the supply has been even more depleted. E will be 3 in a few months but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to reason with a teenager.My husband says it's like watching me talk to myself. We are a lot alike. We both have some anal, gotta have things just so traits. I have come to the conclusion that those moms that pretend that their children are angels all the time and life is always blissful are the ones who aren't really raising their children. Parenting is hard work. It's not something you can just do from 6pm til 8pm at night. I think that E gets tired of being around me sometimes. We have been paying for daycare for a few months to take her 1 day a week. I was convinced she needed some interaction with other kids since we live in the middle of nowhere and kids are few and far between in these parts. I end up keeping her home with me because I just want to spend the time with her. I think it might be better for the both of us if she did go one day a week. Moms do need mommy time. There is nothing wrong with that. I do think there is something wrong with not working and putting your child in daycare 5 days a week. So I work only on the weekend and E stays at home with Daddy. It seems when she has a little break from me she enjoys the time we spend together more. Monday we had a great day. While she was on the potty she looks up at me and says "Mom you are my best friend." That makes it all worth while

Autumn

2008-09-18T13:34:00.001-04:00

I love Autumn. There is something about the cool crispness in the air that invigorates me. I love the decorating, the festivals, and wearing socks. There is nothing like a nice warm bath and a pair of comfy socks. My house is already covered in scarecrows and pumpkins. We are already planning a Halloween party. We were planning a hay ride, but I didn't realize there were safety and insurance issues with carting a bunch of kids around on the back of a tractor. Go figure. I guess it's the times we are living in. I am going to try and refrain from wearing any shirts and or sweaters with leaves, pumpkins, ghosts, witches, etc. My husband scolded me last Christmas for looking like a Grandma with a snowman sweater on so I will try and refrain. The festive socks aren't going anywhere. They are here to stay.

Moments

2008-09-14T10:29:00.001-04:00

This past week has been full of moments. We took out little girl who is almost three to see her 1 st movie. We went to see Kung Fu Panda. She made it thru a full hr of the movie. I think that was awesome. She only went to potty 6 times. She loved the pink glow of the lights in the bathroom. She had some Reeses Pieces. As we were sitting there I couldn't help but think of my friend J. She recently lost her husband and took her two little boys to see the same movie. She talked about how she used to hold hands with her husband during movies but now wouldn't have that chance. I reached over and held C's hand a little tighter. I am trying to think about what I have and treasure each moment. we get lost in ourselves, in life, in the mundane. I try not to forget that I am blessed beyond belief.

Another moment. My best friend M was pregnant with her first child. I got the call that she was in labor early Friday morning. So after a long day of laboring I went to see her. She was 9 cm and heavily under the effects of an epidural and sleep deprivation. She was asleep most of the time I was there. I was looking at the contraction monitor and saw that there was just one continuous contraction. I told her to get the nurse to check her. when the nurse came in she was laying on her side. After checking her the nurse said, "We need to get her on her back." When we rolled her to her back on pulled her legs up there was the head. After a couple more pushes I could see even more. Then the evil doctor kicked me out saying only two people could stay. What a beautiful thing. A little later I got to see a beautiful baby boy. 9 lbs 12 ounces 23 inches long. The same weight as E.

To quote the lovely movie Kung Fu Panda and the wise Oogway "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." Enjoy life for today.

babies babies and more babies

2008-09-10T14:16:00.000-04:00

Well, everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Yet, I am not. I am not going to sit here and think why can't I get pregnant when people who really don't want the children they have are popping them out like pez dispensers, but that's how I feel right now. I know that things happen in their own time, not on my anal day planner agenda, but the whole process is getting a little tedious. I am blessed with a beautiful, amazing little girl. I am happy and grateful for that. I would just like to know what to do. Should we just stop trying? Then we'll be 40 and having a baby. That happens a lot. Almost 2 years of temperature monitoring, fertility testing, pillow propping, and countless pointless pregnancy tests are becoming annoying.

Free Children?

2008-09-04T09:56:00.000-04:00

On labor day my husband, my daughter and I went to the local park to play and wade in the river. There were various gatherings there. As we approached the swings a little boy no more than 2 1/2 came up to my little girl with a stick holding as to mimic a gun and started saying" bang bang." After my husband politely steered him away from this behavior he commenced to throw sand in our eyes. All the while a group of people, amongst which I suppose was a parent of sorts blindly went about their festivities. We stopped this behavior and along came his sister who she informs us is 5. Mu husband and daughter and made a fast exit and were headed downstream. The little girl asked me to push her on the swings. I called out to the group asking if it was OK if picked the girl up and put her on the swings. I heard someone yell "yeah." Well then the former pistol packing fella wanted a turn. Before you knew it I was pushing both of the kids on the swings and my family was somewhere else playing. After a few minutes passed I informed the kids I had to leave to go get my little girl. They started to whine and were almost in full blown tears when I left. Anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? Can someone please tell me why we have to pay in upwards of $20,000 to adopt children when there are some many that parents would give away for free? This absolutely infuriates me. I want more children and have been trying for 1 1/2 years to have another. I cannot afford the costly measures to have one naturally and adoption is even more expensive. Is this fair?

A mothers love?

2008-09-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

7/30/08
It is true that we cannot choose our parents. We did not ask to be brought forth into circumstances that are to put it mildly less than desirable. Call it fate, a divine power, whatever you wish but some power beyond our control saw fit to present us with these particular obstacles. We are however not without choice. To quote someone close to me “she is all that she is because of her mother, I am who I am in spite of my mother.” Parents can affect us so profoundly yet have no impact at all. I struggle daily with anger, resentment, confusion, sadness and loss. Longing for a childhood that never was and a now that could be, but will never live up to any semblance of acceptable. Do I expect too much of people? That a mother should nurture and protect her child? That a caress from your mother feel comforting and not awkward and contrite? How much do you hold on to that role of daughter? Do you let the people that are supposed to be your family suck the very air from you or give yourself to those who love and appreciate you for the person you are? I miss my mother. Where did she go? Lost in a world that never really existed. A brother lost to drugs. His soul is gone. A mere shell of what could have been, failed by a mother that fails him still, hiding behind a cloak of love. To my brother David I applaud you. Nothing forced or rehearsed. I love you for you.