What is a wife?

What is a wife? Well apparently I have forgotten. Somehow along the way I have become self absorbed. The focus of my marriage has been my physical ailments and how best to work around them. I have been preoccupied with my work schedule, Emily's piano and swim lessons and Coleman's to do list that I have forgotten that I am Coleman's wife.

I was his wife before I was a nurse, before I was a mother. I have been slacking in that department in a major way. My hip is fixed for the most part. Every day GOD is healing it more and more. Now it is time for me to make Coleman remember why he married me, why he feel in love me.

Thankful

I had surgery/ It went wonderfully. I am hopeful that the doctor has fixed what is wrong and I will be up and running in no time. Oh I would love to make a long term goal of actually running, like in a marathon in a couple of years. I could do that, right? Why not ? People who are way bigger than me have accomplished far greater feats. So, tomorrow I shall start my goal, not a diet, a goal.


I had a wonderful weekend. Friday I had a visit from my friend Nikki. Just hanging out in the yard watching our kids play. Sat, my sister came down and proceeded to shower me with gifts and then cook me dinner and wash my dishes. She didn't have to buy me things, but it sure is nice to have a relationship with my sister for once. That has been a long time coming. Sat evening my best bud Jill came down and spent the night. We played Scrabble and stayed up late talking. It was a great weekend and I am truly blessed. I am working in myself, trying to better to the people who I care about.

Em is too funny

These are a few things that Em has said lately that have really warmed my heart and made me laugh

When shopping she asked for this stuffed dog. I had said no repeatedly when finally she asked in her sweet little voice," Oh mom it pleases my heart if you get me that dog. Oh please." Needless to say she got the dog. Where she got that saying from I will never know, but if something pleases your heart , who can argue with that.


Em has been wearing pull ups to bed at night until recently. We stopped putting them on her and told her only babies wore them and she was a big girl now. She tells me the other night," I am ready for one of those things that goes in between your legs." I asked her what she was talking about. She went on to explain that she was a woman now and she needed a pad to go in her underwear like I used. Oh my, how fast they grow. One day they are going poo in their diapers, the next we are sharing feminine products.

Another time she walked out of the bathroom, tampon in hand and told her Dad,"I can't wait till I can use these." Oh trust me girl, wait as long as you can.

Forced Family Time

Well, I have had my surgery and I doing well. Coleman has taken off with me to cater to my every need. The only problem with that is that he must also cater to Em's needs and his mom's needs. You get the picture, 3 women, 1 Coleman, not enough time in the day. Couple that with the fact that he has a cold, and well I guess that is enough to try even the strongest of men.



He says there is no tone and that I am imagining this tone in my head. I can't say if that is true or not. I only know what I feel and perceive and he only knows how he feels and how he perceives things.



I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want him to resent having to take care of me., God knows he has had to do that enough. At some point you would think he would get tired of that. I kid with hm that I should file for divorce on his behalf and list all the reasons he should want a divorce from me. I say this only joking , but I do worry that I am not that person that he married and maybe not the one he fell in love with. I have changed somehow and not for the better.



Dynamics in a marriage change, especially when you have children. I am fully aware of that, I just want us to see each other , I mean really see each other. I love him with all my heart and I just don't know if he gets that from me.

I am alone

Sometimes in the middle of a group of people I feel alone. I feel they don' t get me, they don't see me. I see them, I definitely don't get them and for the most part I don't want to know them. I don' t want to know the people who talk about being Chrisitians and then send a chain letter around facebook asking GOD to please let the president die. These are the people I deal with on a daily basis . Is there any wonder I have some issues with organized religion?

This occurs at work, in random settings whenever. It's not that I feel a disconnect from my family, my family being Coleman and Emily. They are my world. If I didn't have Coleman to keep me sane I don't know where I would be. He is my everything. My partner, my friend , my lover, my confidant, but he also has to deal with all my emotional crap. My " family", mother, sister, brother, is otherwise unavailable for the most part. No weekend to discuss your week or give each other much needed hug. None of that. Missed calls, random text messages, some good karma sent of face book. Whatever that it supposed to mean. Damn, I hate Facebook I don't tell people anymore about what is going on in my life. The only people that care are the ones living it. I am not bitter this week, only seeing that in this day in age people are wrapped up in themselves.

The word family is used when it is convenient and not messy and when a Christmas present is involved. So, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and whatever greeting and salutations are cordial and appropriate for "families." Oh I forgot all of those should be directed to face book. Are funeral announcements the next thing to be posted on face book? Just wondering?

Tonight I pray. I pray that GOD will help me find my way and guide me and I also thank him for his many blessings in my life and that I might focus on those and let these little things become nothings.

What a week!

Where do I start? C's Dad got home from the hospital last night. We got a call in the middle of the night MOn. He went into anaphylactic shock and was rushed to the hospital. He was having breathing problems and his tongue and face was swollen. If he had waited much longer to go to the hospital, lets just say he was lucky. God answered our prayers and he is on the mend and will never take Augmentin again.

C's Aunt has also been in the hospital, very sick. I was staying with her a lot because her children didn't seem to care what was going on. The doctor was filling me in on her situation, asking me if I had any questions. I had one. Where are her children? She is doing much better and back in the nursing home and I will see her when I work tomorrow.

Both of these situations made me think of my mother. I had not spoken to my mother in months. What is my mother were in the hospital? Who would be with her? Certainly not me. I had sworn her off. I had declared that I could not have a relationship with her because it would be upholding the lifestyle that my brother lived, the brother that she allowed to live with her.

That was my story and I was sticking to it. I felt I was justified. I felt God was on my side. He would not want me to be around people whose lifestyles were so shady. Is that right? Should I never speak to my mother again? Suddenly I felt compelled. With no warning I called my mother and asked her to come home and spend the night with me and my daughter. She came without hesitation.

We had dinner,we played on the swingset, we read books, we actually had a great night.

My daughter had her Nanny back, if only for that day. They laughed and played. My daughter sees no fault in her. She sees her fun Nanny who used to give her bubble baths and tickle her. E had the best time, wanting my mom to tuck her in, asking if she would be there when she woke up.

I don't know what will happen or how long I can have any semblance of a normal relationship with my mother. For now I will pray that my mom will see in herself what my daughter sees and allow herself to know a love that is pure. For me I only know that I seem a little less angry inside. Maybe I am letting a few things go.

Leave no Incriminating Evidence

I had a lovely evening with some ladies and shared in some very interesting conversations. Out final conversation ending with discussions of my husband still using a baby monitor and allowing our 4 year old daughter to indulge in milk and movies and chips and books whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night and the notion hits her. So, I come home.

I take some groceries in and move quietly into the living room where I see the lovely red glow of the baby monitor who is still trucking after 4 years. I unplug it. I get changed, get into bed and wake my husband to tell him the monitor is off. "Why?," he asks. " Because" I say. I nestle into bed and turn on the TV to unwind and what to my wondering eyes does appear but Nickelodeon and Mi ho Kilan or however you spell it, I am not familiar with Chinese. I awake him yet again. "She has been up?" I ask. "Just once." he replies. "This has got to stop" I say.

I will let you sleep tonight dear husband, but tomorrow, we talk!