KIngergarten and Quiet time with Pitbull

Well, today my little girl got on the bus at 7:15 hand in hand with her best buddy Jazmin. She awoke at 6:00 am and her usual procrastination was replaced with excitement and anticipation. She was dressed and ready by 6:02. She ate 3 pancakes. Told me they were the best pancakes ever. She gave me $2 for my good attitude this morning and not yelling. I quickly explained that parents need not be paid to not yell, that their attitudes are often reflections of their children's attitudes. She still insisted I had earned the $2 and I assured her I would spend it wisely.

So, like I said hand in hand they got on the bus. Then I went to the school to take a few extra supplies. I asked if I could wait and take a few pics when she got off. The nice lady said they preferred not as there was much crying and such they day before. Her school does a staggered entrance. The other nice lady said I could hid and take pictures. Ha! I don't think there was a bush big enough to hide my fat ass. I told them the crazy lady would just head home.

Well waiting at the bus stop were me, her Dad, her Grandma and her Papa. When she got off she was almost in tears. She thought she was suppose to get off with our neighbor and she got off at the babysitters. She said she was sad cause she thought I had forgot. Poor baby. She was also very concerned about the public transit of our children. She informed me there are no seat belts and she is not comfortable with that. My words of wisdom, "Your Dad and I rode the bus and it was safe for us."

All in all a good day. The carpets in all my rooms are shampooed. I have steamed all the tile floors. My quiet time today was filled with the smooth sty lings of Pit Bull. I quit liked it.

There's Nothing to Be Scared of Here

There is nothing to be scared of here. That is the mantra of the song that all the animated woodland creatures sing at The Great Wolf Lodge. Well, that may be true until you get your credit card bill at the end.

I have longed to take a trip to this magical place, made ever more enticing by it's promise of fun for the whole family. The kids could have their little den in the room. They didn't tell you the sleeper sofa would be unsuitable and the air mattress would leave my fat butt deflated and on the floor. The kids could play a game of clue as they go on the Magi quest adventure. They didn't tell you there is a fee for the wand and an activation fee and a fee if you want the unicorn on top and a fee for the carrier and you will be taken on a 20 mile hike up and down and up and down the stairs. They left that part out .. oops. Would you like a 2 liter coke with that? Just $5.99.

I could never afford this trip on my own so I went with one if my best buds and her two boys who we have traveled with before. All kids have their days and both of ours took their turns with their meltdowns. These meltdowns were usually brought on by someone not getting their way or some parent, meaning me or Jill, not shelling out endless amounts of money for whatever they desired. I was a sourpuss I have to admit. I am ashamed of my behavior. I actually honked the horn and screamed as loud as I could in the room, all in hopes of making a point. What was that point? I have no idea.

I am not proud of this behavior, but the Great Wolf Lodge brought out the magic in us all. Maybe it was the pixie dust in the boys magical wand price $27.99 or the sparkle in the star that Em stuffed, price $32.00. It affected us all in different ways. It made me sleep through the fire alarm that otherwise evoked action in Jill and other concerned parents. Not me. I was in a deep slumber. Not even the sound of the fire truck or the siren to sound all clear could awake me.

You may think I did not enjoy my trip and if you were there with me you would say that I really didn't, but that is not true. I did enjoy the rides that I got to go down with my friends son and that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling right before the bottom dropped out from underneath the ride that reminded me of what it was like for just a second. Oh what it is like to be a child. The anticipation and excitement. When we walked in and put our bags down we turned around and their suits were on, ready for the water park. The pixie magic that is childhood. They don't have aches and pains and worries. They have the here and the now. They don't get stuck in the water slide, screaming for the attendant to please push them cause there is a kid waiting at the bottom for them. I did enjoy looking at the children as they looked up and saw trees singing and animals dancing, even if the song was annoying me.

I would also like to say what a trustworthy bunch of people live in Concord, N.C. I left my car unlocked with GPS, DVD, camera and other things free for the taking and they were left unharmed. Apparently I didn't think that was enough of a test so, I left the door wide open and added some cash and credit cards to entice you more. I left it open for more than an hour and still no one took the bait. Thank you all for being kind in my time of complete and utter lack of brain function.

Moments

We played Barbies today. Let me say it again, we played Barbies today. How I have waited for this day. We dressed them, even if it was in slutty clothing. How can they manage to make work out clothes and snow gear stripperish?

I loved playing Barbies as a child. My sister was made to play with me. She was older and did not enjoy it much. She one day decided to make Barbie and Ken have "some loving" and gone was my playmate and my innocence. He he. Just kidding about the innocence part. I had no idea what was going on.

Grandma got you Sea Monkeys for Christmas on advisement from me. I had them as a kid and thought they would be cool. Daddy had never heard of them You begged to put them in tonight and exclaimed to Daddy,"Mommy knows about these cause she had then when she was young." We shall see if they live.

I gave you a bath tonight which Daddy normally does and you took my head in your hand. You said" You make my heart break." I asked, "When?" and you replied "When you smile Mommy." The content was there, just not the right words. You break my heart too!

A White Christmas

So, the snow starting coming down on Christmas day as we opened presents and continued throughout the day. We had about 4 inches all together. The first one in 29 years the paper says.

So, what do you do when it snows and you live on a farm? You go sleigh riding in the cow field. That is something I have not done since I was 14.(the sledding not the cow field stuff) It is not something I will do again this winter I think. It was so fun and your first time. Daddy was a pro and had obviously taken that cow field quite a bit as a kid.

So, we all took a turn except Grandma. She really wanted to, but her back would not allow. You were having Daddy and Papa sling you down the hill and then pull you back up. Not an easy task.

The "cow piles" as they are called made for lovely little ramps until you toppled over into one. You were covered in poo and then Grandma threw a snowball in your face. The tears ensued and the festivities were done. What a day. Loved every minute.

On a side note you have been a bit of a punk since "Santa" came. What's up with that? On your best behavior were you? Forget not your birthday coming up. Oh and Daddy's is this week. Mad cake baking, a farm cake and Hello Kitty. Yippee!!!!

Nice to be Forgotten

Today I was reminded why I am glad I am no longer a child, no longer forced to be submitted to the chaos and confusion that is otherwise known as my mother. My younger brother is still a child, an eight year old boy at his mothers' side, forced to visit his father's grave every day. He is still there, being convinced that the better choice is to stay at home with his poor pitiful mother that to go to school and get an education.

My brother is so trapped inside that shell of a little boy that the only way he sees out is to take his own life. Today was just another attempt at that. Like times in the past, he was almost successful, but not quite. Like times in the past, my mother is convinced that she is being a good mother and doing the right thing by him. She is a wreck of a person and is continually doing more harm to that boy and everyone else for that matter. She will never see that. She will never see that she is to blame for some if not most of this.

A mother is supposed to nurture, care for , encourage a child. None of that happened in our house. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My sister and little brother bore the brunt of my mother's misguided mothering. Someone I slipped under the radar, went unnoticed if you will.
So, you see it should come as no surprise that my mother called me twice on my birthday; the first call to ask for a bed, the second to ask for a television. Neither time did she have any recollection of my birth. I should actually be happy that she forgot about me because if she "loved" me like she did Chris it might be me lying in the hospital now. I might be the one trying to take my own life trying to escape the distorted reality that she creates. Sometimes it is nice to be forgotten.

This and That

I am approaching 33 and I this is what I have learned.

GOD is good.
I am content, although I always try to convince myself something is going to go wrong.
Life changes.
relationships are hard.
Sometimes you just aren't friends anymore.
I am a hypocrite sometimes.
No matter how hard we try, our mother creeps into us all.
Girls are harder than boys, but so much fun sometimes.
I have OCD.
My husband is awesome for putting up with me.
I am awesome for putting up with my husband.
We have a wonderful relationship, but no one has a perfect one, no matter what they say.
I have the best friends!!
I need to let go.
I still love fall and Halloween with all my heart and wish I could jump in a pile of leaves right now.
Prayer works!
I will always see myself as fat, no matter what my weight.
People are punks sometimes.
I love my little girl!
I am thankful, blessed, happy and still learning how to be me!!

HELP!!!

Motherhood is exhausting sometimes. I was going to take a day today and go see a friend. Em had a bad night last night, so I took her with me. Big mistake. She was in rare form all day. I will not write some things she said to me because I do not want to reveal my failures. Oh I am exhausted. Talking has done nothing today. I was forced to take her to her Grandma's after we got back because I got a call from my doctor with some not so lovely news and had to return to town. Upon returning a fight ensued trying to retrieve my daughter. Em wanted to stay. I wanted to go home, as I was emotionally drained and felling quite sick."Just a few minutes and we will bring her home," Grandma said. Several hrs later I returned to fetch my daughter. I brought her home juiced up on Dr Pepper and chocolate. Daughters are hard. Only children are harder. Spoiled rotten chaps who seem to appreciate nothing are the hardest. So, my advice to myself, take a day. It is okay to leave her at home sometimes, even if she had a bad night.