Moments

We played Barbies today. Let me say it again, we played Barbies today. How I have waited for this day. We dressed them, even if it was in slutty clothing. How can they manage to make work out clothes and snow gear stripperish?

I loved playing Barbies as a child. My sister was made to play with me. She was older and did not enjoy it much. She one day decided to make Barbie and Ken have "some loving" and gone was my playmate and my innocence. He he. Just kidding about the innocence part. I had no idea what was going on.

Grandma got you Sea Monkeys for Christmas on advisement from me. I had them as a kid and thought they would be cool. Daddy had never heard of them You begged to put them in tonight and exclaimed to Daddy,"Mommy knows about these cause she had then when she was young." We shall see if they live.

I gave you a bath tonight which Daddy normally does and you took my head in your hand. You said" You make my heart break." I asked, "When?" and you replied "When you smile Mommy." The content was there, just not the right words. You break my heart too!

A White Christmas

So, the snow starting coming down on Christmas day as we opened presents and continued throughout the day. We had about 4 inches all together. The first one in 29 years the paper says.

So, what do you do when it snows and you live on a farm? You go sleigh riding in the cow field. That is something I have not done since I was 14.(the sledding not the cow field stuff) It is not something I will do again this winter I think. It was so fun and your first time. Daddy was a pro and had obviously taken that cow field quite a bit as a kid.

So, we all took a turn except Grandma. She really wanted to, but her back would not allow. You were having Daddy and Papa sling you down the hill and then pull you back up. Not an easy task.

The "cow piles" as they are called made for lovely little ramps until you toppled over into one. You were covered in poo and then Grandma threw a snowball in your face. The tears ensued and the festivities were done. What a day. Loved every minute.

On a side note you have been a bit of a punk since "Santa" came. What's up with that? On your best behavior were you? Forget not your birthday coming up. Oh and Daddy's is this week. Mad cake baking, a farm cake and Hello Kitty. Yippee!!!!

Nice to be Forgotten

Today I was reminded why I am glad I am no longer a child, no longer forced to be submitted to the chaos and confusion that is otherwise known as my mother. My younger brother is still a child, an eight year old boy at his mothers' side, forced to visit his father's grave every day. He is still there, being convinced that the better choice is to stay at home with his poor pitiful mother that to go to school and get an education.

My brother is so trapped inside that shell of a little boy that the only way he sees out is to take his own life. Today was just another attempt at that. Like times in the past, he was almost successful, but not quite. Like times in the past, my mother is convinced that she is being a good mother and doing the right thing by him. She is a wreck of a person and is continually doing more harm to that boy and everyone else for that matter. She will never see that. She will never see that she is to blame for some if not most of this.

A mother is supposed to nurture, care for , encourage a child. None of that happened in our house. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My sister and little brother bore the brunt of my mother's misguided mothering. Someone I slipped under the radar, went unnoticed if you will.
So, you see it should come as no surprise that my mother called me twice on my birthday; the first call to ask for a bed, the second to ask for a television. Neither time did she have any recollection of my birth. I should actually be happy that she forgot about me because if she "loved" me like she did Chris it might be me lying in the hospital now. I might be the one trying to take my own life trying to escape the distorted reality that she creates. Sometimes it is nice to be forgotten.

This and That

I am approaching 33 and I this is what I have learned.

GOD is good.
I am content, although I always try to convince myself something is going to go wrong.
Life changes.
relationships are hard.
Sometimes you just aren't friends anymore.
I am a hypocrite sometimes.
No matter how hard we try, our mother creeps into us all.
Girls are harder than boys, but so much fun sometimes.
I have OCD.
My husband is awesome for putting up with me.
I am awesome for putting up with my husband.
We have a wonderful relationship, but no one has a perfect one, no matter what they say.
I have the best friends!!
I need to let go.
I still love fall and Halloween with all my heart and wish I could jump in a pile of leaves right now.
Prayer works!
I will always see myself as fat, no matter what my weight.
People are punks sometimes.
I love my little girl!
I am thankful, blessed, happy and still learning how to be me!!

HELP!!!

Motherhood is exhausting sometimes. I was going to take a day today and go see a friend. Em had a bad night last night, so I took her with me. Big mistake. She was in rare form all day. I will not write some things she said to me because I do not want to reveal my failures. Oh I am exhausted. Talking has done nothing today. I was forced to take her to her Grandma's after we got back because I got a call from my doctor with some not so lovely news and had to return to town. Upon returning a fight ensued trying to retrieve my daughter. Em wanted to stay. I wanted to go home, as I was emotionally drained and felling quite sick."Just a few minutes and we will bring her home," Grandma said. Several hrs later I returned to fetch my daughter. I brought her home juiced up on Dr Pepper and chocolate. Daughters are hard. Only children are harder. Spoiled rotten chaps who seem to appreciate nothing are the hardest. So, my advice to myself, take a day. It is okay to leave her at home sometimes, even if she had a bad night.

To play GOD or not to play GOD?

To those who know me it is no secret that Em is a bit spoiled. Yes, I said a bit. don't laugh. A lot of that comes with the territory of being an only child and an only grandchild. Since she was 6 months old we have been trying to have another baby, to no avail. After batteries of tests, the doctors have said there is really no reason for us not being able to conceive. After all, we have Em. There wasn't much effort put into getting pregnant with her. It happened right after I went off the pill. Coleman is an only child and while his childhood was just fine, it is his later adulthood that he is concerned with. He wonders who is going to be around to recount those memories of his parents when they are passed on. His concerns and questions are valid and are some of the same things that run through my head. I was at a friends' house the other day and saw Em playing Barbies with her little girl. She had that little pretend voice that little girls do. The prince was riding in on a horse to save the princess. I realized this was the first time I had seen Em "pretend" like that. Her other friends just aren't into that sort of play. It broke my heart and I teared up. For better or worse my sister was there to play Barbies with me growing up, even if my Mom did make her stop playing with me because she was showing me how Barbie and Ken could get "close."

So now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I sink all of my money, energy, hope, and time into a doctor in the hopes of conceiving another child? Am I being selfish? Shouldn't I be satisfied with this beautiful, healthy daughter I have and leave well enough alone? Is it playing GOD to mess with all of this? You see in all this I am a bit angry as well. Angry that we live in a society that I have to pay $20,000 to adopt a child that no one wanted. I am praying and maybe I will find my answer. All I know is that I will not let this be my focus. I will focus on the blessings that I have and see where my life leads me.

My house is infected

When I came home from my beach vacation I opened the door and I was greeted with the smell. The smell of my house, that distinctive smell that lets you know you are in the right place, the place where you can kick off you shoes, pick you nose, otherwise do whatever it is that you do in the comforts of your home. Little did I know there was something lurking.

You see there was a virus lurking beneath and both Coleman and I were infected immediately. At the beach I was washing clothes, making breakfast, and fixing Coleman's plate for him. Heck, I even game Em several baths. These things are all few and far between at home. Why? I would like to know the answer to that myself. A combination of my laziness and Coleman's desire to placate me I suppose. Well, when we came home it was business as usual. Coleman asking me what I wanted for dinner, putting laundry in the wash, waiting on Em at every beckon call. I asked him why he was doing it and he said it was because my hip is hurting horribly and I have to work tomorrow. Okay, we can do this dance for a few days, but this virus is only going to be the 48 hr kind. I am not going back to having him wait on me hand and foot. I am fully capable of running this ship, I think.