This and That

I am approaching 33 and I this is what I have learned.

GOD is good.
I am content, although I always try to convince myself something is going to go wrong.
Life changes.
relationships are hard.
Sometimes you just aren't friends anymore.
I am a hypocrite sometimes.
No matter how hard we try, our mother creeps into us all.
Girls are harder than boys, but so much fun sometimes.
I have OCD.
My husband is awesome for putting up with me.
I am awesome for putting up with my husband.
We have a wonderful relationship, but no one has a perfect one, no matter what they say.
I have the best friends!!
I need to let go.
I still love fall and Halloween with all my heart and wish I could jump in a pile of leaves right now.
Prayer works!
I will always see myself as fat, no matter what my weight.
People are punks sometimes.
I love my little girl!
I am thankful, blessed, happy and still learning how to be me!!

HELP!!!

Motherhood is exhausting sometimes. I was going to take a day today and go see a friend. Em had a bad night last night, so I took her with me. Big mistake. She was in rare form all day. I will not write some things she said to me because I do not want to reveal my failures. Oh I am exhausted. Talking has done nothing today. I was forced to take her to her Grandma's after we got back because I got a call from my doctor with some not so lovely news and had to return to town. Upon returning a fight ensued trying to retrieve my daughter. Em wanted to stay. I wanted to go home, as I was emotionally drained and felling quite sick."Just a few minutes and we will bring her home," Grandma said. Several hrs later I returned to fetch my daughter. I brought her home juiced up on Dr Pepper and chocolate. Daughters are hard. Only children are harder. Spoiled rotten chaps who seem to appreciate nothing are the hardest. So, my advice to myself, take a day. It is okay to leave her at home sometimes, even if she had a bad night.

To play GOD or not to play GOD?

To those who know me it is no secret that Em is a bit spoiled. Yes, I said a bit. don't laugh. A lot of that comes with the territory of being an only child and an only grandchild. Since she was 6 months old we have been trying to have another baby, to no avail. After batteries of tests, the doctors have said there is really no reason for us not being able to conceive. After all, we have Em. There wasn't much effort put into getting pregnant with her. It happened right after I went off the pill. Coleman is an only child and while his childhood was just fine, it is his later adulthood that he is concerned with. He wonders who is going to be around to recount those memories of his parents when they are passed on. His concerns and questions are valid and are some of the same things that run through my head. I was at a friends' house the other day and saw Em playing Barbies with her little girl. She had that little pretend voice that little girls do. The prince was riding in on a horse to save the princess. I realized this was the first time I had seen Em "pretend" like that. Her other friends just aren't into that sort of play. It broke my heart and I teared up. For better or worse my sister was there to play Barbies with me growing up, even if my Mom did make her stop playing with me because she was showing me how Barbie and Ken could get "close."

So now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I sink all of my money, energy, hope, and time into a doctor in the hopes of conceiving another child? Am I being selfish? Shouldn't I be satisfied with this beautiful, healthy daughter I have and leave well enough alone? Is it playing GOD to mess with all of this? You see in all this I am a bit angry as well. Angry that we live in a society that I have to pay $20,000 to adopt a child that no one wanted. I am praying and maybe I will find my answer. All I know is that I will not let this be my focus. I will focus on the blessings that I have and see where my life leads me.

My house is infected

When I came home from my beach vacation I opened the door and I was greeted with the smell. The smell of my house, that distinctive smell that lets you know you are in the right place, the place where you can kick off you shoes, pick you nose, otherwise do whatever it is that you do in the comforts of your home. Little did I know there was something lurking.

You see there was a virus lurking beneath and both Coleman and I were infected immediately. At the beach I was washing clothes, making breakfast, and fixing Coleman's plate for him. Heck, I even game Em several baths. These things are all few and far between at home. Why? I would like to know the answer to that myself. A combination of my laziness and Coleman's desire to placate me I suppose. Well, when we came home it was business as usual. Coleman asking me what I wanted for dinner, putting laundry in the wash, waiting on Em at every beckon call. I asked him why he was doing it and he said it was because my hip is hurting horribly and I have to work tomorrow. Okay, we can do this dance for a few days, but this virus is only going to be the 48 hr kind. I am not going back to having him wait on me hand and foot. I am fully capable of running this ship, I think.

Three's Company

So me, Coleman and Em went to the beach with my friend and her two boys. This is the second time we have done this, but this year was the first time it was just our two little families. It was wonderful as expected. You see, we jive, we click, we mesh, we just are. My friend lost her husband last year and since then my husband and I have had the pleasure of getting to be a part of her and her boys lives. You see I love them. I love them just as they are, because of who they are. I love it that my husband is probably thinking "Thank God there is someone here who talks as much as my wife. " I love it that my friend can tell my little girl to get her lazy but up and get her own juice box and I can tell her boy that I am gonna beat him and it is all good. I'm glad that my husband cares for my friend and her boys as much as I do. Here comes the cheese. J is the third wheel to our tricycle and that is just how we roll, big wheel style. So, when some man comes and whisks her away I guess I will be forced to grow up a little. We will have to upgrade to a 4 wheeler because I want her and her boys and whoever else becomes a part of her family to keep rolling with mine.

Put Your Records On

As I sit here I realize that life passes you by and you never stop to appreciate the moments. Tonight I saw the moment. I soaked it up. I basked in the sound of my 4 ½ year old daughter singing in the back seat of a car. The song, “Put You Records on.” No matter that it was being sang by the Chipmunks, the feeling was still the same as I chimed in with her. She reached up front and grabbed my hand. Holding hands and singing as we rode along “the hump bridge,” as we have come to call the long bridge over to the area of the Outer Banks where we stay. I looked across at Coleman and wondered if he was as happy at this moment as I was. Content I am. Content with Coleman and Em and my friends that seem to know me more than most of my family does or cares to. I digress. We played miniature golf at a dinosaur place and Em loved it . Somehow when it is the 3 of us I feel complete and at the same time feel as if there is someone else missing. I see my friends’ boys together and wonder what Em is missing out on. I guess that is all relative. You can have a sister that is no more a sister to you than a stranger you happen upon. Again I digress. As my daughter lies next to me sleeping her childhood away in a place where love abounds, I only hope one day these moments are not lost to her. I can only look forward to the day that she shares her fond recollections of times when life were simple, innocent, less complicated

A turn to the Dark Side

First thing is first. I must take mention of this frenzy that has taken hold of both the young and old, both men and women,. The vampire werewolf obsession known as Twilight. I have been known to trash talk those “crazies” as I have once called them. Why are grown women watching this crap, I have asked. It ends now. Never again will I speak ill words of the movies or the Edward or Jacob groupies. I watched the first movie last year at the beach with my good friend Jill as she sported her I dream of Edward Cullen shirt. I thought she was foolish. I was under the influence of some of Coleman’s famous punch and found the movie cheesy to say the least. The second movie I watched again at the beach with my friend Jill and was a bit more intrigued as I saw a shirtless werewolf. Them tonight I sit here with my friend beside me in her I dream of Edward shirt and I say proudly, I am team Jacob. I love that shirtless werewolf and I am now a fan of Twilight and now am eagerly awaiting the books as she has promised me. I want to know what happens to Bella, who will she choose, will Jacobs’ biceps get bigger? Oh, the questions are spilling over in my mind. I am trying to convince my husband that these movies are no cornier than The Lost Boys or other silly cult classics we watched as teenagers. He is not on board . He is not on team Jacob or team Edward and has vowed to burn my shirt that I intend to buy tomorrow. I will not let that happen.