Moments

We played Barbies today. Let me say it again, we played Barbies today. How I have waited for this day. We dressed them, even if it was in slutty clothing. How can they manage to make work out clothes and snow gear stripperish?

I loved playing Barbies as a child. My sister was made to play with me. She was older and did not enjoy it much. She one day decided to make Barbie and Ken have "some loving" and gone was my playmate and my innocence. He he. Just kidding about the innocence part. I had no idea what was going on.

Grandma got you Sea Monkeys for Christmas on advisement from me. I had them as a kid and thought they would be cool. Daddy had never heard of them You begged to put them in tonight and exclaimed to Daddy,"Mommy knows about these cause she had then when she was young." We shall see if they live.

I gave you a bath tonight which Daddy normally does and you took my head in your hand. You said" You make my heart break." I asked, "When?" and you replied "When you smile Mommy." The content was there, just not the right words. You break my heart too!

A White Christmas

So, the snow starting coming down on Christmas day as we opened presents and continued throughout the day. We had about 4 inches all together. The first one in 29 years the paper says.

So, what do you do when it snows and you live on a farm? You go sleigh riding in the cow field. That is something I have not done since I was 14.(the sledding not the cow field stuff) It is not something I will do again this winter I think. It was so fun and your first time. Daddy was a pro and had obviously taken that cow field quite a bit as a kid.

So, we all took a turn except Grandma. She really wanted to, but her back would not allow. You were having Daddy and Papa sling you down the hill and then pull you back up. Not an easy task.

The "cow piles" as they are called made for lovely little ramps until you toppled over into one. You were covered in poo and then Grandma threw a snowball in your face. The tears ensued and the festivities were done. What a day. Loved every minute.

On a side note you have been a bit of a punk since "Santa" came. What's up with that? On your best behavior were you? Forget not your birthday coming up. Oh and Daddy's is this week. Mad cake baking, a farm cake and Hello Kitty. Yippee!!!!

Nice to be Forgotten

Today I was reminded why I am glad I am no longer a child, no longer forced to be submitted to the chaos and confusion that is otherwise known as my mother. My younger brother is still a child, an eight year old boy at his mothers' side, forced to visit his father's grave every day. He is still there, being convinced that the better choice is to stay at home with his poor pitiful mother that to go to school and get an education.

My brother is so trapped inside that shell of a little boy that the only way he sees out is to take his own life. Today was just another attempt at that. Like times in the past, he was almost successful, but not quite. Like times in the past, my mother is convinced that she is being a good mother and doing the right thing by him. She is a wreck of a person and is continually doing more harm to that boy and everyone else for that matter. She will never see that. She will never see that she is to blame for some if not most of this.

A mother is supposed to nurture, care for , encourage a child. None of that happened in our house. In fact, it was the exact opposite. My sister and little brother bore the brunt of my mother's misguided mothering. Someone I slipped under the radar, went unnoticed if you will.
So, you see it should come as no surprise that my mother called me twice on my birthday; the first call to ask for a bed, the second to ask for a television. Neither time did she have any recollection of my birth. I should actually be happy that she forgot about me because if she "loved" me like she did Chris it might be me lying in the hospital now. I might be the one trying to take my own life trying to escape the distorted reality that she creates. Sometimes it is nice to be forgotten.

This and That

I am approaching 33 and I this is what I have learned.

GOD is good.
I am content, although I always try to convince myself something is going to go wrong.
Life changes.
relationships are hard.
Sometimes you just aren't friends anymore.
I am a hypocrite sometimes.
No matter how hard we try, our mother creeps into us all.
Girls are harder than boys, but so much fun sometimes.
I have OCD.
My husband is awesome for putting up with me.
I am awesome for putting up with my husband.
We have a wonderful relationship, but no one has a perfect one, no matter what they say.
I have the best friends!!
I need to let go.
I still love fall and Halloween with all my heart and wish I could jump in a pile of leaves right now.
Prayer works!
I will always see myself as fat, no matter what my weight.
People are punks sometimes.
I love my little girl!
I am thankful, blessed, happy and still learning how to be me!!

HELP!!!

Motherhood is exhausting sometimes. I was going to take a day today and go see a friend. Em had a bad night last night, so I took her with me. Big mistake. She was in rare form all day. I will not write some things she said to me because I do not want to reveal my failures. Oh I am exhausted. Talking has done nothing today. I was forced to take her to her Grandma's after we got back because I got a call from my doctor with some not so lovely news and had to return to town. Upon returning a fight ensued trying to retrieve my daughter. Em wanted to stay. I wanted to go home, as I was emotionally drained and felling quite sick."Just a few minutes and we will bring her home," Grandma said. Several hrs later I returned to fetch my daughter. I brought her home juiced up on Dr Pepper and chocolate. Daughters are hard. Only children are harder. Spoiled rotten chaps who seem to appreciate nothing are the hardest. So, my advice to myself, take a day. It is okay to leave her at home sometimes, even if she had a bad night.

To play GOD or not to play GOD?

To those who know me it is no secret that Em is a bit spoiled. Yes, I said a bit. don't laugh. A lot of that comes with the territory of being an only child and an only grandchild. Since she was 6 months old we have been trying to have another baby, to no avail. After batteries of tests, the doctors have said there is really no reason for us not being able to conceive. After all, we have Em. There wasn't much effort put into getting pregnant with her. It happened right after I went off the pill. Coleman is an only child and while his childhood was just fine, it is his later adulthood that he is concerned with. He wonders who is going to be around to recount those memories of his parents when they are passed on. His concerns and questions are valid and are some of the same things that run through my head. I was at a friends' house the other day and saw Em playing Barbies with her little girl. She had that little pretend voice that little girls do. The prince was riding in on a horse to save the princess. I realized this was the first time I had seen Em "pretend" like that. Her other friends just aren't into that sort of play. It broke my heart and I teared up. For better or worse my sister was there to play Barbies with me growing up, even if my Mom did make her stop playing with me because she was showing me how Barbie and Ken could get "close."

So now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I sink all of my money, energy, hope, and time into a doctor in the hopes of conceiving another child? Am I being selfish? Shouldn't I be satisfied with this beautiful, healthy daughter I have and leave well enough alone? Is it playing GOD to mess with all of this? You see in all this I am a bit angry as well. Angry that we live in a society that I have to pay $20,000 to adopt a child that no one wanted. I am praying and maybe I will find my answer. All I know is that I will not let this be my focus. I will focus on the blessings that I have and see where my life leads me.

My house is infected

When I came home from my beach vacation I opened the door and I was greeted with the smell. The smell of my house, that distinctive smell that lets you know you are in the right place, the place where you can kick off you shoes, pick you nose, otherwise do whatever it is that you do in the comforts of your home. Little did I know there was something lurking.

You see there was a virus lurking beneath and both Coleman and I were infected immediately. At the beach I was washing clothes, making breakfast, and fixing Coleman's plate for him. Heck, I even game Em several baths. These things are all few and far between at home. Why? I would like to know the answer to that myself. A combination of my laziness and Coleman's desire to placate me I suppose. Well, when we came home it was business as usual. Coleman asking me what I wanted for dinner, putting laundry in the wash, waiting on Em at every beckon call. I asked him why he was doing it and he said it was because my hip is hurting horribly and I have to work tomorrow. Okay, we can do this dance for a few days, but this virus is only going to be the 48 hr kind. I am not going back to having him wait on me hand and foot. I am fully capable of running this ship, I think.

Three's Company

So me, Coleman and Em went to the beach with my friend and her two boys. This is the second time we have done this, but this year was the first time it was just our two little families. It was wonderful as expected. You see, we jive, we click, we mesh, we just are. My friend lost her husband last year and since then my husband and I have had the pleasure of getting to be a part of her and her boys lives. You see I love them. I love them just as they are, because of who they are. I love it that my husband is probably thinking "Thank God there is someone here who talks as much as my wife. " I love it that my friend can tell my little girl to get her lazy but up and get her own juice box and I can tell her boy that I am gonna beat him and it is all good. I'm glad that my husband cares for my friend and her boys as much as I do. Here comes the cheese. J is the third wheel to our tricycle and that is just how we roll, big wheel style. So, when some man comes and whisks her away I guess I will be forced to grow up a little. We will have to upgrade to a 4 wheeler because I want her and her boys and whoever else becomes a part of her family to keep rolling with mine.

Put Your Records On

As I sit here I realize that life passes you by and you never stop to appreciate the moments. Tonight I saw the moment. I soaked it up. I basked in the sound of my 4 ½ year old daughter singing in the back seat of a car. The song, “Put You Records on.” No matter that it was being sang by the Chipmunks, the feeling was still the same as I chimed in with her. She reached up front and grabbed my hand. Holding hands and singing as we rode along “the hump bridge,” as we have come to call the long bridge over to the area of the Outer Banks where we stay. I looked across at Coleman and wondered if he was as happy at this moment as I was. Content I am. Content with Coleman and Em and my friends that seem to know me more than most of my family does or cares to. I digress. We played miniature golf at a dinosaur place and Em loved it . Somehow when it is the 3 of us I feel complete and at the same time feel as if there is someone else missing. I see my friends’ boys together and wonder what Em is missing out on. I guess that is all relative. You can have a sister that is no more a sister to you than a stranger you happen upon. Again I digress. As my daughter lies next to me sleeping her childhood away in a place where love abounds, I only hope one day these moments are not lost to her. I can only look forward to the day that she shares her fond recollections of times when life were simple, innocent, less complicated

A turn to the Dark Side

First thing is first. I must take mention of this frenzy that has taken hold of both the young and old, both men and women,. The vampire werewolf obsession known as Twilight. I have been known to trash talk those “crazies” as I have once called them. Why are grown women watching this crap, I have asked. It ends now. Never again will I speak ill words of the movies or the Edward or Jacob groupies. I watched the first movie last year at the beach with my good friend Jill as she sported her I dream of Edward Cullen shirt. I thought she was foolish. I was under the influence of some of Coleman’s famous punch and found the movie cheesy to say the least. The second movie I watched again at the beach with my friend Jill and was a bit more intrigued as I saw a shirtless werewolf. Them tonight I sit here with my friend beside me in her I dream of Edward shirt and I say proudly, I am team Jacob. I love that shirtless werewolf and I am now a fan of Twilight and now am eagerly awaiting the books as she has promised me. I want to know what happens to Bella, who will she choose, will Jacobs’ biceps get bigger? Oh, the questions are spilling over in my mind. I am trying to convince my husband that these movies are no cornier than The Lost Boys or other silly cult classics we watched as teenagers. He is not on board . He is not on team Jacob or team Edward and has vowed to burn my shirt that I intend to buy tomorrow. I will not let that happen.

A Swift kick

God gives us what we need and today that happened to be a swift kick in the ass. Yes I said that because that is exactly what happened verbatim.

As of late Em and I both have been struggling with things. I want this, I want that. Want, want , want. I was telling Em she was just like Veruca Salt, "I want a golden ticket daddy, I want an oompa loompa, I want one right now." I have been inundated with requests or demands rather for all of her wants excepts she declares them as needs. We have been talking about the difference between wants and needs and how God gives us what we need. I explained that we should be thankful for all that we have, our family, our friends, our health, Jesus, our church, our lovely home, food to eat. I also explained that she should be glad she had a mommy and a daddy and that I should be glad I had a little girl because some people didn't have any children.

So, I thought I was making a little progress, getting through to this 4 yr only child and grandchild. Well before church she finds a necklace that her friend Jazmin had left here. She . them exclaimed that she needed one just like it. Needed I say. Not today friend, not today.The full on foot kicking fit ensued. So some words were exchanged, some punishment was handed out, some tears were shed.

As we headed to church late with Em's hair all disheveled I marched her right back to her Sunday school class and left her there for the first time and I went to the adult class. I have never been to an adult Sunday school class in my adult life. So go ahead and ask me what our topic was. It was asking God for what you want and getting what you need. We talked about as a child we wish and hope for things like fancy houses and cars and how your perspective changes as you get older.

Well, I am soon to be 33 and my perspective surely needs to change. As I was swimming in our lovely little pool yesterday I told Coleman I eventually want a really big pool and a hot tub. He then asked "Who is Veruca Salt?" I would say many people have a little Veruca in them. God is gonna help me send her packing.

I like ho hum

Quite possibly a horrible week. Coleman has been at home sick and that means he is really sick cause that man doesn't stay out of work for anything. He had been to the doc several times and continues to run a fever even on antibiotics and the diagnosis is still a sinus infection. Hum....

Well, whatever it is I pray it passes quickly. I am definitely not used to seeing that man down and out and I do mean down. We will get through all this crap and get back to our ho hum life soon, hopefully. I like ho hum!

What is a wife?

What is a wife? Well apparently I have forgotten. Somehow along the way I have become self absorbed. The focus of my marriage has been my physical ailments and how best to work around them. I have been preoccupied with my work schedule, Emily's piano and swim lessons and Coleman's to do list that I have forgotten that I am Coleman's wife.

I was his wife before I was a nurse, before I was a mother. I have been slacking in that department in a major way. My hip is fixed for the most part. Every day GOD is healing it more and more. Now it is time for me to make Coleman remember why he married me, why he feel in love me.

Thankful

I had surgery/ It went wonderfully. I am hopeful that the doctor has fixed what is wrong and I will be up and running in no time. Oh I would love to make a long term goal of actually running, like in a marathon in a couple of years. I could do that, right? Why not ? People who are way bigger than me have accomplished far greater feats. So, tomorrow I shall start my goal, not a diet, a goal.


I had a wonderful weekend. Friday I had a visit from my friend Nikki. Just hanging out in the yard watching our kids play. Sat, my sister came down and proceeded to shower me with gifts and then cook me dinner and wash my dishes. She didn't have to buy me things, but it sure is nice to have a relationship with my sister for once. That has been a long time coming. Sat evening my best bud Jill came down and spent the night. We played Scrabble and stayed up late talking. It was a great weekend and I am truly blessed. I am working in myself, trying to better to the people who I care about.

Em is too funny

These are a few things that Em has said lately that have really warmed my heart and made me laugh

When shopping she asked for this stuffed dog. I had said no repeatedly when finally she asked in her sweet little voice," Oh mom it pleases my heart if you get me that dog. Oh please." Needless to say she got the dog. Where she got that saying from I will never know, but if something pleases your heart , who can argue with that.


Em has been wearing pull ups to bed at night until recently. We stopped putting them on her and told her only babies wore them and she was a big girl now. She tells me the other night," I am ready for one of those things that goes in between your legs." I asked her what she was talking about. She went on to explain that she was a woman now and she needed a pad to go in her underwear like I used. Oh my, how fast they grow. One day they are going poo in their diapers, the next we are sharing feminine products.

Another time she walked out of the bathroom, tampon in hand and told her Dad,"I can't wait till I can use these." Oh trust me girl, wait as long as you can.

Forced Family Time

Well, I have had my surgery and I doing well. Coleman has taken off with me to cater to my every need. The only problem with that is that he must also cater to Em's needs and his mom's needs. You get the picture, 3 women, 1 Coleman, not enough time in the day. Couple that with the fact that he has a cold, and well I guess that is enough to try even the strongest of men.



He says there is no tone and that I am imagining this tone in my head. I can't say if that is true or not. I only know what I feel and perceive and he only knows how he feels and how he perceives things.



I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want him to resent having to take care of me., God knows he has had to do that enough. At some point you would think he would get tired of that. I kid with hm that I should file for divorce on his behalf and list all the reasons he should want a divorce from me. I say this only joking , but I do worry that I am not that person that he married and maybe not the one he fell in love with. I have changed somehow and not for the better.



Dynamics in a marriage change, especially when you have children. I am fully aware of that, I just want us to see each other , I mean really see each other. I love him with all my heart and I just don't know if he gets that from me.

I am alone

Sometimes in the middle of a group of people I feel alone. I feel they don' t get me, they don't see me. I see them, I definitely don't get them and for the most part I don't want to know them. I don' t want to know the people who talk about being Chrisitians and then send a chain letter around facebook asking GOD to please let the president die. These are the people I deal with on a daily basis . Is there any wonder I have some issues with organized religion?

This occurs at work, in random settings whenever. It's not that I feel a disconnect from my family, my family being Coleman and Emily. They are my world. If I didn't have Coleman to keep me sane I don't know where I would be. He is my everything. My partner, my friend , my lover, my confidant, but he also has to deal with all my emotional crap. My " family", mother, sister, brother, is otherwise unavailable for the most part. No weekend to discuss your week or give each other much needed hug. None of that. Missed calls, random text messages, some good karma sent of face book. Whatever that it supposed to mean. Damn, I hate Facebook I don't tell people anymore about what is going on in my life. The only people that care are the ones living it. I am not bitter this week, only seeing that in this day in age people are wrapped up in themselves.

The word family is used when it is convenient and not messy and when a Christmas present is involved. So, Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday and whatever greeting and salutations are cordial and appropriate for "families." Oh I forgot all of those should be directed to face book. Are funeral announcements the next thing to be posted on face book? Just wondering?

Tonight I pray. I pray that GOD will help me find my way and guide me and I also thank him for his many blessings in my life and that I might focus on those and let these little things become nothings.

What a week!

Where do I start? C's Dad got home from the hospital last night. We got a call in the middle of the night MOn. He went into anaphylactic shock and was rushed to the hospital. He was having breathing problems and his tongue and face was swollen. If he had waited much longer to go to the hospital, lets just say he was lucky. God answered our prayers and he is on the mend and will never take Augmentin again.

C's Aunt has also been in the hospital, very sick. I was staying with her a lot because her children didn't seem to care what was going on. The doctor was filling me in on her situation, asking me if I had any questions. I had one. Where are her children? She is doing much better and back in the nursing home and I will see her when I work tomorrow.

Both of these situations made me think of my mother. I had not spoken to my mother in months. What is my mother were in the hospital? Who would be with her? Certainly not me. I had sworn her off. I had declared that I could not have a relationship with her because it would be upholding the lifestyle that my brother lived, the brother that she allowed to live with her.

That was my story and I was sticking to it. I felt I was justified. I felt God was on my side. He would not want me to be around people whose lifestyles were so shady. Is that right? Should I never speak to my mother again? Suddenly I felt compelled. With no warning I called my mother and asked her to come home and spend the night with me and my daughter. She came without hesitation.

We had dinner,we played on the swingset, we read books, we actually had a great night.

My daughter had her Nanny back, if only for that day. They laughed and played. My daughter sees no fault in her. She sees her fun Nanny who used to give her bubble baths and tickle her. E had the best time, wanting my mom to tuck her in, asking if she would be there when she woke up.

I don't know what will happen or how long I can have any semblance of a normal relationship with my mother. For now I will pray that my mom will see in herself what my daughter sees and allow herself to know a love that is pure. For me I only know that I seem a little less angry inside. Maybe I am letting a few things go.

Leave no Incriminating Evidence

I had a lovely evening with some ladies and shared in some very interesting conversations. Out final conversation ending with discussions of my husband still using a baby monitor and allowing our 4 year old daughter to indulge in milk and movies and chips and books whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night and the notion hits her. So, I come home.

I take some groceries in and move quietly into the living room where I see the lovely red glow of the baby monitor who is still trucking after 4 years. I unplug it. I get changed, get into bed and wake my husband to tell him the monitor is off. "Why?," he asks. " Because" I say. I nestle into bed and turn on the TV to unwind and what to my wondering eyes does appear but Nickelodeon and Mi ho Kilan or however you spell it, I am not familiar with Chinese. I awake him yet again. "She has been up?" I ask. "Just once." he replies. "This has got to stop" I say.

I will let you sleep tonight dear husband, but tomorrow, we talk!