Autumn

I love Autumn. There is something about the cool crispness in the air that invigorates me. I love the decorating, the festivals, and wearing socks. There is nothing like a nice warm bath and a pair of comfy socks. My house is already covered in scarecrows and pumpkins. We are already planning a Halloween party. We were planning a hay ride, but I didn't realize there were safety and insurance issues with carting a bunch of kids around on the back of a tractor. Go figure. I guess it's the times we are living in. I am going to try and refrain from wearing any shirts and or sweaters with leaves, pumpkins, ghosts, witches, etc. My husband scolded me last Christmas for looking like a Grandma with a snowman sweater on so I will try and refrain. The festive socks aren't going anywhere. They are here to stay.

Moments

This past week has been full of moments. We took out little girl who is almost three to see her 1 st movie. We went to see Kung Fu Panda. She made it thru a full hr of the movie. I think that was awesome. She only went to potty 6 times. She loved the pink glow of the lights in the bathroom. She had some Reeses Pieces. As we were sitting there I couldn't help but think of my friend J. She recently lost her husband and took her two little boys to see the same movie. She talked about how she used to hold hands with her husband during movies but now wouldn't have that chance. I reached over and held C's hand a little tighter. I am trying to think about what I have and treasure each moment. we get lost in ourselves, in life, in the mundane. I try not to forget that I am blessed beyond belief.

Another moment. My best friend M was pregnant with her first child. I got the call that she was in labor early Friday morning. So after a long day of laboring I went to see her. She was 9 cm and heavily under the effects of an epidural and sleep deprivation. She was asleep most of the time I was there. I was looking at the contraction monitor and saw that there was just one continuous contraction. I told her to get the nurse to check her. when the nurse came in she was laying on her side. After checking her the nurse said, "We need to get her on her back." When we rolled her to her back on pulled her legs up there was the head. After a couple more pushes I could see even more. Then the evil doctor kicked me out saying only two people could stay. What a beautiful thing. A little later I got to see a beautiful baby boy. 9 lbs 12 ounces 23 inches long. The same weight as E.


To quote the lovely movie Kung Fu Panda and the wise Oogway "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." Enjoy life for today.

babies babies and more babies

Well, everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Yet, I am not. I am not going to sit here and think why can't I get pregnant when people who really don't want the children they have are popping them out like pez dispensers, but that's how I feel right now. I know that things happen in their own time, not on my anal day planner agenda, but the whole process is getting a little tedious. I am blessed with a beautiful, amazing little girl. I am happy and grateful for that. I would just like to know what to do. Should we just stop trying? Then we'll be 40 and having a baby. That happens a lot. Almost 2 years of temperature monitoring, fertility testing, pillow propping, and countless pointless pregnancy tests are becoming annoying.

Free Children?

On labor day my husband, my daughter and I went to the local park to play and wade in the river. There were various gatherings there. As we approached the swings a little boy no more than 2 1/2 came up to my little girl with a stick holding as to mimic a gun and started saying" bang bang." After my husband politely steered him away from this behavior he commenced to throw sand in our eyes. All the while a group of people, amongst which I suppose was a parent of sorts blindly went about their festivities. We stopped this behavior and along came his sister who she informs us is 5. Mu husband and daughter and made a fast exit and were headed downstream. The little girl asked me to push her on the swings. I called out to the group asking if it was OK if picked the girl up and put her on the swings. I heard someone yell "yeah." Well then the former pistol packing fella wanted a turn. Before you knew it I was pushing both of the kids on the swings and my family was somewhere else playing. After a few minutes passed I informed the kids I had to leave to go get my little girl. They started to whine and were almost in full blown tears when I left. Anyone else see anything wrong with this picture? Can someone please tell me why we have to pay in upwards of $20,000 to adopt children when there are some many that parents would give away for free? This absolutely infuriates me. I want more children and have been trying for 1 1/2 years to have another. I cannot afford the costly measures to have one naturally and adoption is even more expensive. Is this fair?

A mothers love?

7/30/08
It is true that we cannot choose our parents. We did not ask to be brought forth into circumstances that are to put it mildly less than desirable. Call it fate, a divine power, whatever you wish but some power beyond our control saw fit to present us with these particular obstacles. We are however not without choice. To quote someone close to me “she is all that she is because of her mother, I am who I am in spite of my mother.” Parents can affect us so profoundly yet have no impact at all. I struggle daily with anger, resentment, confusion, sadness and loss. Longing for a childhood that never was and a now that could be, but will never live up to any semblance of acceptable. Do I expect too much of people? That a mother should nurture and protect her child? That a caress from your mother feel comforting and not awkward and contrite? How much do you hold on to that role of daughter? Do you let the people that are supposed to be your family suck the very air from you or give yourself to those who love and appreciate you for the person you are? I miss my mother. Where did she go? Lost in a world that never really existed. A brother lost to drugs. His soul is gone. A mere shell of what could have been, failed by a mother that fails him still, hiding behind a cloak of love. To my brother David I applaud you. Nothing forced or rehearsed. I love you for you.